Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Greetings from the future!

I just noticed I never posted in December 2004 so this is a post to even things up a bit. It's really 2nd February 2005. And while I'm here... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I'm 32. Well, actually I'm 32 1/6 because I'm from the future.

Just in case you happen to be reading this in the past, the Lotto numbers for Saturday 29th January are 3,8,27,38,44,46. You don't need the bonus ball. And only one person won so you could get yourself a nice payout.

Right I'm off before I create a paradox that destroys existence.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Why Firefox?

So, oor Fluffy wanted to know why should she bother waiting hours to download it on dial-up?

I suppose the main reason I use it is security and privacy. Ebil Hax0rz always go for M$ stuff. Spyware does too. Example. That new firewall on Windows Service Pack 2 must be like a red rag to a bull. Spyware and virus writers will have a field day attacking it, same as they have with Internet Explorer and Windows. As soon as Thunderbird is working okay, I'm dumping Outlook.

The other reason is Tabs. It's a teeny tiny difference but once you use them you will wonder how you got along without it. I use IE at work and I'm always trying to open webpages in new tabs.

Of course, the only REAL reason I started using it is because it represents sticking two fingers up at Microsoft.

There, hope your happy! Now I sound like even more of a geek and corporate whore although some would say thats not possible...

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Get Firefox!

Why are you still here? I said Get Firefox!

I will be honest... I'm a bit pissed off! I've just upgraded to v1.0 from v0.92 and it installed with all my bookmarks and options in exactly the same state as before and no restart. Now I'm going to be bored for the hours that I was expecting to be farting around making it work properly. Sheesh!

And another thing! Now that I'm REALLY impressed with it, I've gone and put a button on my side bar and been forced to do a post about it because it's so good. Thanks Firefox, now I look like a corporate whore sucked in by hype even though it a really good bit of software.

Get Firefox!

And remember kids, at the end of the day, it's only a fricken browser! No need to get worked up. You still needed M$ Internet Explorer to download it, didn't you!

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Well, you may be able to tell that I got blogger's block again. Hey, it happens... I thought I would try something different so I've started a Moblog. I'll be able to dump images on it straight from my new mobile phone. It'll take a while to get going but I hope you'll like it.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Bye Peelie

The legend John Peel has died. He was perhaps the best radio DJ ever and a thoroughly nice bloke. I am devasted and I will miss him.

"That was Push The Jacket Hard from Radiator Loving Leopard's new EP, available now on Hermitage records, played at the wrong speed. Reminds me of a song from the Inverted Wheelbarrow Label out of Prague, I forget which track but it was on either the Spunk Filled Lampost or Rampant Sloth Album."

He requested Teenage Kicks by The Undertones to be played at his funeral. This is true.

Bye Peelie. RIP.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Welcome to the jungle
It gets worse here everyday
You learn to live like an animal
In the jungle where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll take it eventually
You can have anything you want
But you better not take it from me
In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle
Watch it bring you to your knees
I wanna watch you bleed

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Happy Wednesday

DO NOT ATTEND THIS CONCERT, STOP LISTENING TO BAD MUSIC, TURN OFF YOUR RADIO AND TELEVISION!!! One soapbox, one megaphone, one hardhat and this is what you get. Highly amusing. Right, I'm off to listen to some Metallica.

Zoom! This messes with my head and it really is fab! Zoom in... zoom out... zoom in...

OPINIONS PLEASE: Are links that automatically open in new windows a bad thing?

NEWS JUST IN: I just settled down to eat a couple of lovely lamb chops. It was about 3 minutes before I realised I had two forks. How we laughed!

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Uncle Maffydoo!

I'm an uncle! My little sister Amy had a baby boy called Ben. Didn't ask dimensions of aforementioned bundle of joy although I think I should have done considering how many times I've been asked. Don't see why it's so important because I reckon it'll sting a bit however heavy he is... Now I'll have an excuse to play with Lego again in a few years!

Good work Amy and Deacon ;)

EDIT: Crikey... look what they made! And here too! Wow! I am speechless! (Sorry Amy... I HAD to publish those piccys.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

A Moment of Clarity

Forgive me but this may sound a bit convoluted but this is what's happening in my head at the moment...

Smoking's great but I don't smoke... I did for about fifteen years but I stopped on the third of February this year and it's safe to say it made me really miserable for a while. It's like there is a part of you missing, a really important part that calms you down, makes you happy and makes you look really cool.

I started because a lot of my friends and family smoked and I couldn't go against the flow and at fifteen you feel like you're going to live forever. I confess, I still feel like I'm going to live forever but I reached thirty and realised that I'd spent half my life inhaling carcinogenic substances and that's not good. So I stopped. I've managed one hundred days but that was because of a girl and I started up as soon as we split up so that one doesn't count. I've managed sixty days but I started a new job and turned into a stress monkey so that doesn't count either.

This time around, I used nicotine replacement patches and they really worked well. I couldn't say if they actually physically replaced the addiction but I reckon they worked great as a placebo if anything.

It's now been months since my last smoke and I realised that I can't remember when I had my last craving. I didn't have one at the Reading Festival... too drunk... I'm pretty sure the last one was at the start of August. I have realised that it no longer feels like there is something missing from my life as far as smoking is concerned. This realisation caused an what alcoholics refer to a 'a moment of clarity.' I think I have become so obsessed with not exposing myself to cigarettes and other smokers that I've retreated far into my cave. Have you noticed how infrequently this blog is updated? That's because there's been nothing to really say. I haven't been interacting with other human beings properly.

Last time I "gave up giving up", I started smoking. Today, 239 days since my last smoke, I can safely say that I "gave up giving up" but this time I don't need a fag. I no longer have this excuse so I'm going to have to do stuff again. Perhaps there's something more deep rooted than smoking to blame on my recent hermit like tendencies (I'm not your average run-of-the-mill human by a long, long way) but it's convenient to blame it on the smokes.

Let's Go!

Go here and play a dHTML version of Lemmings. It's very useful for a sly break at work and Lemming Armageddon Megadeath still makes me smile.

Sunday, September 19, 2004


Galaxy Explorer, my favorite set Finally! The intermaweb makes itself useful. It's a huge shame it's about twenty years too late for me...

Lego is the best toy in the history of creation. It's better than Playstation. It's better than Transformers. Heck, it's even better than my old ZX Spectrum! I found this website that has nearly all of the instruction books from nearly all of the Lego sets, EVER! I never new the offical names for my favorite toys. Now I do. Woohoo! My favorite set was always 928, the "Galaxy Explorer"

The nostalgia oozing from every single pore in my body right now is, quite frankly, distrubing. Please excuse me while I shamelessly wallow.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Recent Search Terms

People found my blog using these search terms...
  • raikonnen wedding (oh the charisma!!!)
  • susanna hoffs earnings (i’d like to see her earnings…. woof!)
  • "Brigit Holmquist" picture (i think this is Uma's gran...)
  • Metallica Ride the lightning image large (ROCK!)
  • "hurricane matthew" (yep… I’m full of wind)
  • Destructionism (?)
  • disney pictionary (??)
  • tibetan buddhist wavs (om!)
  • leia bikini desktop images (woof!)
  • "Dave Clark Five"+"right click (who?)
  • maffydoo (at least SOMEONE found what they were looking for)
  • Neurotically Yours Videos (?)
  • "Hurricane Matthew" (still full of wind)
  • Pulp Fiction Jackrabbit Dancing Animated GIF (hehe)
  • timothy leary nena (WTF?)
  • hazel irvine boobs (who’s she?)
  • The Applicators Puke on you (i’m sure they do…)
  • HM Department of Vague Paranoia's Preparing for Emergencies (tis funny)
  • the darkness, mosh, moshing, reading (see you down the front!!)
  • stupid people video
  • catsuit in the 1970 (rawr!)
  • cindy crawford sixteen
  • tibetan monk wavs (OM!)
  • 'texas' & 'charlene spiteri' (schwing!)
  • "flying planet" sci fi
  • the matrix flash version stickman
  • last action hero "I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose." (bloody funny quote)
  • stickman kung foo
  • free heavy fuckers bic (wtf?)
  • anna nicole smith is a fucking cunt sum 41
  • spandex "black and white stripes" (Metaaaaaaaaaal!)

Monday, September 13, 2004

When I stumbled across this, I knew I must have been REALLY bored at work... ho-hum.

Friday, September 10, 2004


I'm sure I'm due a creative outburst soon...

Monday, August 30, 2004

Reading Festival 2004 - The Year of Mud

Wow! I'm clean again... I best tell you about it then.


Weirdest. Day. Ever.

I had packed for the Festival on Wednesday and I had a job interview on Thursday. It lasted from 8.30am to 4.00pm. It was one of those jump-through-hoops days where I felt like a lab-rat being lead through a maze. It’s a really good sign that I got through to the third stage but the trouble is I’ve built myself up for this so much that it will be a real downer if I don't get it.

Amy and Deacon had let me stay Wednesday night in Southampton so I could get to the interview with minimum grief and I got back there at about 4.30pm and woke Deacon (who works nights…sorry…) to let me in. I changed into my civilian wardrobe and after some vegging got a lift to the station from Amy.

I forgot how civilised trains could be and it was nice to just chill while getting somewhere. Got into Reading at about 8pm and walked to the Festival site. After a bit of messing around met up with Andy, Jay and Tim who bought beer. Yay! At this point time became unimportant. But wellies did… The Reading Festival was knee deep in mud! Well, I had had six almost totally dry festivals prior to this so it was bound to happen eventually. Must have been fun for Tim because he was a festival virgin. A bit of a baptism of fire. (Don’t worry, all others will be a doddle after this one…)

It was a long and treacherous trek through Goth infested swamps and welly-hungry bogs including several really odd blokes wearing nothing but magic marker. Woohoo Woohoohoo! has replaced 118. We arrived at where the guys had set up the tents earlier in the day (thanks) which happened to be exactly the same field as last year minus the dead fox. They had set the four tents up in a nice circle so we could have a fire in the evenings. Problem was, someone had plonked their tent right in the middle of it. Hud and Verity turned out to be really cool people so we made a circle of five and all got pissed.

After a few bevvies and some shorts, I was babbling incoherently as I started to unwind. I forgot about the events earlier in the day very quickly.


Goldie Lookin’ Chain. Great way to start the weekend. Just goes to show a talentless bunch of Welsh wasters can actually do well and be entertaining. Shell suits and shite dancing. Top lyrics and plenty of laughs. (Just took a trip to their website. Click around a bit and you’ll find a Daley Thomson’s Decathlon style kifter rolling game.)

Hundred Reasons. Pretty good. Can’t remember much about them though…

Modest Mouse. Into the Radio 1 Stage for The Wildhearts. Got there early and saw some of these guys. Don’t remember much about them so they must have been okay.

The Wildhearts. Absolutely fucking awesome. Ginger managed to win over the festival crowd in milliseconds helped by the fact that there were obviously a large number of hardcore fans there. The set was plagued by gremlins but they still managed to rock. Highlights for me were SuckerPunch and Caprice. (I still don’t understand why they’re not bigger. They must be the UK Rock scene’s worst kept secret…)

The Hives. Revelation of the weekend. These guys are great! I’ve heard most of their songs but they never made a mark in my head until I saw them. They came out in black and white suits and the whole set was really entertaining. The crowd was really into them and the frontman, Pelle, worked the crowd great. It was helped by the fact that the sun made its first appearance “courtesy of the Hiiiiives.” Had the defining “Reading Moment” early this year! Tops!

Ash. Top entrance by Tim with his guitar on fire. Ash have so many top tunes that it’s difficult for them to have a bad day. They have a good day and rocked like a good ‘un. Har Mar Superstar made an appearance during “Kung Fu” and rather distressingly removed his clothes. Charlotte looked really tasty.

The Offspring. Tons of good tunes. Boingy fun. They give popcorn to the crowd.

The Darkness. MMMMMEEEETTTTTAAAAAAALLLLLL! They’ve come a long way. I saw them at what was their breakthrough set in the middle of the day at last year’s Reading. This time they had a chance to show what The Darkness is really all about with a triumphant headlining set. Three costume changes including a Napoleon hat. Many of their now familiar tunes. Top sing-a-long during “Get Your Hands Off My Woman Motherfucker” and the words “Fuck” and “Cunt” in 10 meter high lights. They played some new stuff which was great. “Hazel Eyes” stuck in my head and they announced that they were putting a freeze on the touring to make their long awaited second album (yay!). Finished off with a cover of “Street Spirit” and “Love on the Rocks” and tons of spiffy fireworks. I said last year “I really hope they are more than a flash-in-the-pan...” Well it turns out that it’s rebellious to be positive… (Coo-ee! Thumbs Up!) Watch out because I reckon Justin was right and The Darkness have been for real all along... Now all they need to do is follow up that first album… Doddle, right?

Long treacherous trek through swamps. Ankle deep mud. Static punk dude in goggles with ghetto blaster. Free Hugs. High Fives. BOLLOCKS! Dave? No Woohoo Woohoohoo! And we’re back to the tents. It’s at this time it dawns on me that the mud is preventing any decent randomeering. We all didn’t fancy going for a wander and noone wandered to our outpost on the distant fringe of the campsite. Still, the locals were friendly and we got more pissed.


Not Rainy. Yay! The ground is now mostly sticky instead of slippery.

The’s. They are actually quite good and the bassist is cute. I hear Woohoo Woohoohoo for the rest of the day in the arena, mostly from older women with day tickets. It is mercifully less prevalent out in the campsite.

Avenged Sevenfold. Missed the first part of their set but it sounded real good. Punk. Metal. Real Heavy. Will investigate further.

The Roots. Franz Ferdinand. The Libertines. File all three under “severe indifference.” Saw a chap with “Cunt” on his forehead in a henna tattoo.

Morrissey. Or “MOZZZZAAAAAAAA!” as he was known (to us at least). The three preceding average acts had caused the alcohol to flow rather more quickly. Met up with Jay’s cousins by chance. One of them got in a comedy (but not to him) strop. Never found out what it was about but he stomped off with a “Fuck the lot of you!” and a flurry of middle fingers. He was seen lurking near us about 20 minutes later and repeated strop. Morrissey was pretty good. Did “How Soon Is Now” which is an awesome tune. Dissed Radio 1. “Radio 1 refused to play my last two singles so let’s have a big ‘boo’ for Radio 1!” The crowd booed. Also found out the he got a speeding ticket for driving 32mph in a 30mph limit… which is nice. I should understand Morrissey better than most of the crowd because I’m probably older than 90% of them but I don’t. I just ended getting pissed out of my gourd with some pretty decent tunes going on in the background.

The White Stripes. Brilliant. "My name is Jack White. This is my big sister Meg. Sorry we couldn't make it last year - we caught a cab this time!" (they missed last year when Jack broke his hand in a car crash) Jack White is totally self indulgent throughout the whole set. I forgive him. They play some incredible tunes. “Fell In Love With A Girl”, “Hotel Yorba”, “Hardest Button To Button”. Even played “Jolene” (originally by Dolly Parton!!!) and made it sound amazing. Went away feeling like I’d seen a legendary performance.

Trek. Saw that the swamp had started claiming footwear. Bollocks. Dave. Punk. Beer. Bed.

Had a midnight poo. I cannot talk about it but I was incredibly brave. I actually heard a “Timmeeeeh!”


Little bit of rain but nothing worrying. Ground is now mostly bouncy.

The Futureheads. A big pair of stained Y’s.

Your Codename Is Milo. Went to see them after we decided Futureheads was shite. Wish I’d seen more and will have to investigate further because they sounded really good.

MUD/BOTTLE STORM WARNING: Didn’t see it but The Ramus have to leg it after one song. Arf!

The Streets. Crap but no bottle storm. I wonder why?

Lostprophets. Very impressive. Really got us worked up and I really like their stuff. Questionable but fun audience participation. For “Shinobi Vs. Dragon Ninja” and I quote “I want you to split down the middle. This half of the audience is ‘Shinobi’ and this half is ‘Dragon Ninja.’ When the song kicks in I want to run really hard at each other. Be careful and really watch out for each other. Seriously. If you’re fragile you might want to move to the back.” I REALLY want to find a photo of this :)

Placebo. Average again but better than last year.

MUD/BOTTLE STORM WARNING: 50 Cent. He left the stage after five tunes. I suppose with hindsight it was well out of order bottling Fiddy but it was Mean Fiddler’s idea to book him in the first place. Besides, Jurassic 5 and Dizzee Rascal didn’t get any grief at all… And don’t feel sorry for him because our Fiddy got paid many MANY times more than you or I earn in a year to have a bottle fight.

Auf Der Maur. Pretty decent. A LOT better than Fiddy…

The next was the MAJOR nightmare clash of the festival. Supergrass or Green Day? They are both really cool… Me and Tim went to Green Day and Andy and Jay went to Supergrass.

Green Day. My respect for these guys has tripled. I liked them before I saw this. “Dookie” is one of my favourite albums. Their set was awesome. They had to a lot of time to play with because of 50 cent and The Rasmus having shorter than expected sets. There was all their best stuff in there. “Basket Case”, “Welcome to Paradise”, “Minority” and “When I Come Around”. At one point they made a band from the audience! The ultimate in crowd participation? Even though there was quite a few covers, it never felt like they were filling for time. There was “I Fought The Law” by The Clash, “Blitzkrieg Rock” by The Ramones, “Shout” by Lulu(!), “Ever Fallen In Love With Someone” by The Buzzcocks and “We Are The Champions” by Queen. It was topped off with Billy Joe doing the solo of “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” which was literally stunning.

And that was it. The traditional Rip Down was pretty muted by the mud but there was Mobile Raves, Free Hugs Gangs, Trash Fires.


Woke up. Packed. Ate Olympic Breakfast. Went Home.

Not as eventful as last year but I said it would be legendary one way or the other. One way, it made the news with the “one of the muddiest festivals ever” and the Fiddy bottle storm. The Other, legendary performances from The Wildhearts, The Hives, Ash, The Darkness, The White Stripes, Lostprophets and Green Day.
I'm back from the Reading Festival and I can officially state that the normal world seems at lot less normal than normal but this is normal because the normal world is not normally normal but it really is not normal at the moment AND it's not at all muddy.

(NB: Standard Reading shout)

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Maybe Mud Moshing

The Mud Fairy"Accept the mud and see it as a friend, be one with the mud and you will truly be free"
-graffiti, Glastonbury 1997

I'm going to the Reading Festival this weekend. It's going to be legendary one way or the other because the line-up is one of the best for ages and half the site is underwater at the moment.

I'm most looking forward to The Wildhearts because they rock and are one of my favourite bands and The White Stripes because they're really cool and had to miss last years Reading because Jack broke his hand. Been hearing interesting things about Avenged Sevenfold. Looks like that will be good for a mosh.

I managed to nick seven shoes off crowd surfers last year so I have a bit of a challenge especially seeing as there may be many wellies.

I will tell you all about it after my next bath :)


Pirates of the Caribbean!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I found this at Bilge Flaps and I liked my result so I had to post it. Which reminds me, not long until September 19th... International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Half Inch

Blimey! Someone's nicked The Scream! You'd have thought that it was under maxi mental psycho security but it appears that they just nicked it in broad daylight in front of a load of visitors. Bloody Norwegians.

I didn't think it was that good anyway...


Thursday, August 19, 2004

Sniping and Kittens (again...) and Definitive Stairway

So, I was in a fecking FOUL mood this morning for various reasons. One factor was being awake before midday. The other was that I had a major panic about the Reading Festival but that sorted itself out and I'm now 99% going due to some top evil sniping on Ebay by my mum. (Ebay guru but an IT luddite... work that one out...) That cheered me up.

I also had a full on fluff overload. I stumbled across a news site today during my lunch break and it had a picture on it that put a lump in my throat faster than you can say "ah bless!" This has to be the cutest kitten on the entire planet... ever! And before you end up a bawling wreck, read the caption...

I also remembered that I own the definitive version of "Stairway to Heaven". You know, the one by Rolf Harris. "There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold and she's buying a stairway to heaven... ALTOGETHER now!" Pure Genius. Now all I have to figure out is what was I on that day...

Kung Fu Madness

This Rocks!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

CALM DOWN, dear...
com-MER-cial !!!

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Business as usual for the SuperDons

They're in a new league but it's business as usual for AFC Wimbledon. They came back from 0-1 down to win 5-1 in a masterful display. That's 64 league wins in a row now. Man of the match Jamie Taylor bagged 2 as did Richard Butler and Steve Butler scored one. Ursell and his golden boots (seriously...) were masterful in the middle.

Bit of a relief but I don't think we can get complacent. There are definitely teams in the Ryman League Division One to challenge us.

Friday, August 13, 2004

And so it continues...

Planet: Maffydoo is one year old today! Yay!

And I still have no idea what I'm doing. It was once organic and it did take on a life of it's own. Then it died. Now this is my undead blog, stalking the night and looking for spicy brains to feed on. It's strange... I feel like I've been blogging since forever but it's only a year. Does that mean I've been having fun doing it? Who knows, but I've learned not to blog for the sake of it and to mostly ignore my traffic counter so I think I'm a content blogger.

Well, here's to another year and another couple of hundred posts.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Neo-Dons and MK Dongs

The new season starts for AFC Wimbledon on Saturday against Ashford Town in the Ryman League Division One.

SuperdonsIt's been a bit of a bumpy ride. Iconic manager Terry Eames was sacked for being a gobby twat and basically sticking his foot RIGHT in it and Nicky English, the youth coach, was called to stand in. He managed to get us to the end of the season with no alarms and no surprises and his passion in the dugout impressed many fans who called for him to be made the first team manager.

Nicky English wasn't to be the boss. Dave Anderson was appointed. He came from Hendon FC where he took them to eighth, second and then fourth last year in the Ryman Premier League and they won the Middlesex Cup three years in a row with virtually zero cash and resources. This was an 'interesting' appointment and left me and a lot of fans with serious reservations about his capabilities to run a club with the prestige (relatively speaking...) of Wimbledon. Within a few weeks, half of the team that won the double last year had gone and a new breed of Neo-Dons had taken their place. I must admit I raised my eyebrows more than once as I read the latest developments.

The pre-season has reassured me a bit as we managed to beat Conference side Barnet and drew against Conference side Gravesend and Northfleet (should have won...) We haven't lost in six games and the Neo-Dons are gelling with the remnants of last years team. It looks like DA knows what he's doing and appears to have the ability to lead us up the non-league pyramid over the next few years. It's still early days and time will tell but it all looks very positive right now.

Wimbledon will be the third club in recent times to rise from the ashes after Newport County and Aldershot Town. It just goes to prove that whatever franchisers and crap directors do, a football club can never be killed off forever if the fans stick together.

Which brings me on to the team that now resides in Wimbledon's league position, the Milton Keynes Dons. I am quite astonished at the level of hatred towards this team. They have managed to make themselves more hated than Manchester United which is an achievement in itself. Every single team in League 1/ Division 2/ Third Division see them as a must win and many of the away fans are boycotting the games in favour of Wimbledon's games. I fail to see how they can survive in their current situation. The predicted "frenzy of football" has failed to materialise as they struggle to get a thousand home fans through the turnstiles at Winky's Wibbly Whacky Family World at the National Hockey Stadium. And I don't believe the attendances Winky is declaring for even a nano-second...

Many people say that I should forget about the franchise and concentrate on the real Wimbledon. It's obvious who is going to be higher in the leagues in 10 years. But forgetting it means that they win. This cannot happen again. We cannot let this become history. What if it happens to your club...

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Nuclear bombs are bad, kids. Don't mess! Seriously!

We are a long way from the Cold War and the constant threat of a geriatric American and an even more geriatric Russian with big shiny red buttons that say "BOOM!" ready to nuke the crap out of each other. No, now we are just waiting for some brainwashed nutter terrorist to get a black market nuke from Uzbekistan or Ukraine and melt a few thousand people in the name of some crusty misunderstood god, and then get the crap nuked out of them by a geriatric American with a big shiny red button the says "BOOM!". Of course, we are now that much safer with the HM Department of Vague Paranoia's Preparing for Emergencies website... but I digress.

Nuclear explosions are really quite pretty if you can see past the fact that they are the most horrifying thing... ever... period, and I found some wallpapers which make for some wonderfully macabre desktops. I am freaking out my cow orkers with the Castle Bravo test explosion at the moment...

>>> LINKY <<<

Sunday, August 01, 2004

So, who in the wide world of sports is clicking those links in the spam mails? What sort of fucking retards are making spam profitable? No... You don't want prescription medication. You don't want to get a loan off a shark. You definitely don't want to add three inches. You want to GROW A FUCKING BRAIN! Delete it for fuck's sake!

It's all a bloody conspiracy anyway. Hackers, crackers and spammers are employed by the big AV firms and MS. How the fuck do you think they would make their money? Bastards! All of them!


While I'm on the subject of viruses, I'm feeling a lot better after the DDOS attack against my tonsils.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Kitten Delirium

I have the bloody bastard bloody lurgee of bloody doom and I'm taking medicine that will make my wee smell funny because of it.

I find kittens therapeutic so here's one. I find photoshopping kittens therapeutic so I may have to add a hat or a moustache or something at a later date.

Look... I'm delirious... OKAY! I demand sympathy!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


This is REALLY odd....

Right... There's this old Somalian fella, his name's Ahmed. You might have heard of him. He recently lost in some obscure game show that I know a few of you are watching. I believe it's called Big Brother. Anyhow, this year the focus was on the fact that this particular edition of the game show was going to "evil". So, they didn't pick the usual normal, "mentally sturdy" (for want of a better word) types. They picked a few total loons and chief among them was that chap I mentioned up there... Ahmed. His sole purpose upon entering the game show was to go mental and wind the others up. Well, he went mental and the others got wound up. He tried a military coup for fuck's sake! Cuckoo!

You don't believe me? Okay, cop a listen of this! I reckon he's lost it... Fame WILL destroy this man. Ciao!

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Ten Random MP3s

Found this at Dearie Me and decided to give it a whirl. Instructions are as follows...
Step 1: Open your mp3 player/music application.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: List the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.
I only have 231 tracks to play with. These are tunes that I acquired on an impulse or was sent. I haven't got around to converting my CD collection so I should get some weird and interesting results.
McLusky - Lightsaber Cocksucking Blues
Nothing deep and meaningful here. Had to get this tune after seeing this... it still makes me laugh.
Armand Van Helden - You Don't Even Know Me
A decent dance tune that I can tolerate more than most. Suffers from being played to death on the radio.
Texas - Put Your Arms Around Me
What is THIS doing here? Still... Charlene Spiteri... I would.
The Beatles - Hey Jude
The best tune The Beatles ever did. Possibly the best tune ever. Makes me feel good. 
DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Summertime
I think this came out while I was at school. Reminds me of a girl I used to know.
Napalm Death - You Suffer
Very shouty. Unfeasibly short. Makes me laugh.
Soul II Soul - Back To Life
Cor! Another old one! I think I was living in Wimbledon when this came out.
Embrace - All You Good Good People
Woo! Yay! It's an awesome tune that is just epic and it reminds me of my best "Glastonbury Moment". I'm pretty sure it was 2000 and definitely on the Sunday. I was sat in front of the Pyramid Stage with Jay and Andy, amazing chilled out, pissed up and off my face on something obscenely herbal. I wasn't really paying too much attention to Embrace on stage. The sun was setting behind the stage and I was in the shade when they started playing this tune (probably the finale). The crowd started singing along. Halfway through the tune, the sun shone on me from between the stage and the big screen to the right of the stage and at that precise moment, I just became hyper aware. The sight of the sun behind the Pyramid and the crowd full of every type of person from Ravers to Hippies. The sound of this tune and me, my friends and the crowd singing it. The smell of the earth, the people(!) and the herbage. The taste of the dust. The feeling of the grass under me and the vibrations of the tune. An unbelievable sense of well-being and contentment just washed over me. Despite being trashed, I remember it like it was yesterday. COOL. AS. FUCK.
Sneaker Pimps - Six Underground
Choo-oon. The vocal makes me feel funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class... 
Lalo Schifrin - Theme From Enter The Dragon
Oh Yeah! You know what I'm talking about! This tune IS the movie. The movie IS awesome! Bruce Lee is The Daddy!
So there you have it. I'm happy with that. And nobody knows I have "Boom Shake The Room" by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince on my hard drive so, all in all, REEEESULT....

Friday, July 16, 2004

Fear the Mongolian Death Worm!!!

I have just found out that there is such a thing as a Mongolian Death Worm! Fantastic! Yeah, we all know about the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman but they ALL pale into insignificance in front of the terror that is the Mongolian Death Worm. This horror of the Gobi desert is really real and not some twat in a fluffy white suit or a dinosaur shaped log...

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Zombie Maffydoo

I think there's only 2 or 3 active blogs left on my blogosphere linkys!

What did I do.... fart or something? Is there some spinach on my teeth? Are my flies undone?

Question is, is an undead blog like mine better or worse than no blog at all?

EDIT: Ooo... inspiration! New guest title image...
EDIT2: Image gone. It scared the kiddies. I'm using Blogrolling now so I'll be able to link a lot more easily. Now, no slacking you lot! I want content! And do as I say, not as I do!

Friday, July 09, 2004

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

The Polyphonic Spree

I don't get The Polyphonic Spree. I saw them last year at the Reading Festival and I left early. I could have seen Linkin Park or "The Park" as they're know in the business (yes, I am mocking them...) I think I should try to understand them because they all look so happy when they are on stage and they obviously love what they do. However, I heavily suspect that their consciousness may well be chemically augmented. The whisper in the crowd was "Nobody take the brown pills going round." Still, I honestly don't know why I left early...

The Spree pwnz0r j00!!!111oneoneeleventwelve

Anyway, the point of this post is that I found their website and it's dead good. I also found a soothing little game with their music as the background. And you don't have to shoot anything with a nasty big gun or hit anything with a nasty big sword. An octopus eats a fish but that's as violent as it gets. Enjoy.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Urs Meier is a Twat!


Okay, so Urs Meier disallowing Sol Campbell's header on the line for fouling John Terry put us out of Euro 2004. But, Portugal were a better team and probably deserved to go through. They managed to keep the pressure up and we sat back and defended but we defended well. I can't believe Helder Postiga scored! He has been nothing but crap for Spurs and I was praying that karma would prevail and he would miss his penalty.

Wayne Rooney's injury was not that critical in my opinion. Yes he is an awesome player and has shone in this tournament but England is more than one player and the tabloids would do well to remember that this morning.

David Beckham is a shadow of his former self. I don't know what's wrong with him but he looks ill and he seems to have lost the spirit that he had in the qualifiers.

Ashley Cole managed to contain Cristiano Ronaldo and has had an awesome tournament as has Sol Campbell, NONE SHALL PASS!!!

Meh, I could go on. Just read the linky. The fact is we lost and we're going home. Euro 2004 is over now. I don't give a fuck about it. The Anthrax is in the post to Urs Meier. Wimbledon is on all next week so all I have to say, in my best menopausal squeal "Come on Tim"

Sunday, June 20, 2004


Deacon took me, Fetus and Chris to Santa Pod. We saw lots of cool Japanese cars and it rained lots. Deacon threw the Pulsar down the quarter mile.


Saturday, June 12, 2004

I turned over to E4 this morning after New Zealand bowled us out in the cricket. As you may know, two housemates have been put in a bedsit to spy on the Big Brother house.

The producers of Big Brother must be rolling around on the floor laughing. I can tell you that there is something VERY wrong with watching two people watching Big Brother.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Tantrums and Nakedness

Big Brother is TWISTED! I am yet to be convinced that Big Brother is Evil.

I'm sure some of the house mates are clutching at the threads of sanity. They appear to have been picked to cause each other the maximum amount of grief and have arguments. There are some real weirdoes. Emma is has the memory span of a goldfish, Marco is so camp it's not even funny, Nadia was a man once, Ahmed is unstable, etc. etc.

This year is different to previous years. By this time in the last Big Brother series, there are definite contenders and definite no-hopers. I can't see a clear winner yet.

Tonight, instead of the eviction, two of them were secretly stuck in a bedsit to spy on the others and "work for Big Brother". I can't wait for them to hear the others bitching. I wonder if they'll get to see the Diary Room. A funny thing is that I reckon the housemates will be scared to nominate Ahmed this week because they think he survived a vote with two "heavyweights" (Victor's word). It's all so fucked up...

More has happened in the last two weeks than in the entire last series. The dynamics of the group is great and I get the feeling that they could change in the blink of an eye. There is also tantrums and nakedness to keep the tabloids happy.

I haven't commented up until now because I wasn't too sure after the yawn-a-thon of Big Brother IV. This year, Big Brother is fantastic.

[images shamelessly stolen from here]
:: Awesome image of the Shuttle's vapourtrail
:: Screw the Euro, there is now a Galactic Currency.
:: Is your popup blocker up to scratch? Try this Popup Test
:: Die screaming with sharp things in your head
:: I wonder how this happened... Accidental condom inhalation
:: So Where the Hell is Hyperspace?
:: Hold The Button

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Pravda and Mossad

Never buy cheap UPS units. We had a feeble one on our server at work and I think we are talking lunched hard drives and melted processors.

These are some links I found while I have been 'busy'

:: According to, CIA and KGB were fighting for alien's dead body. (There's a lot of cool stuff here)
:: Check out Stupid Movie Physics. Every movie you've ever watched is wrong but you knew that already.
:: Micro$oft wins "Double-Click" patent row!!! WTF?
:: Anyone want to join Mossad, the Israeli Secret Service? Just fill in this application form here.

Burnout and Brain Jars

Well, the server here at work has self destructed so I thought I'd cruise on by here and do stuff.

The problem is I've got nothing to say... still suffering from burnout. It's not just blogging but I'm suffering burnout in a lot of things at the moment. I'm not going to say any more because my blog is read by people I know and more scarily by relatives. Many times recently (I can think of at least four since my last post) I have started a post and deleted it thinking "I don't want my mum to read that" or "my mate will be really pissed off at that". Oh well.

I saw the Transition of Venus first hand and it was well nice. I still had my eclipse shades from the 1999 total solar eclipse. They warn you not to use them but I can report that my retinas survived intact. The next one is in 2012 and that is it until the 22nd century. Blimey, I'll be a brain in a jar by then. The cosmic ballet goes on :)

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Do you ever have those days where it feels like all the little mistakes you've made come back to haunt you through people - and you just know that one day they're gonna get together and collectively realise that your an idiot...

If you do, don't worry. I've come to realise people* don't remember my cock-ups as much as I do.

(*people does not include relatives)

Thursday, May 20, 2004

The Planet:Maffydoo word of the day: MINGE

It comes from the old Anglo-Saxon word "MAENGES" which means a gap in the hedge.

Sunday, May 16, 2004


KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!It is the epitome of William Shatner in the film that is the best thing about Star Trek. For the uninitiated, there is a scene in "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan" that has claimed a place in Sci-Fi history. The main baddy Khan (Ricardo Monteblan complete with fake chest) has marooned Kirk and his buddies in the centre of a big rock and is sat in orbit feeling quite smug and is mocking him on the communicator.

Kirk: Khan. Khan, you've got Genesis, but you don't have me. You were going to kill me Khan. You're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here!
Khan: I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her. Marooned for all eternity, in the centre of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive.

I'm not sure on the spelling but that's how it goes off on screen. Ultimate melodramatic Shatner camp acting.

Actually, the original purpose of the post was to link to this which made me laugh like an idiot when I saw it. I digressed a bit. Enjoy.

EDIT: This was in the b3ta newsletter and it looks like the extra visitors broke it...

EDIT2: You have GOT to be joking...

Soap Dodger

I'm going to The Reading Festival. Yay!

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Mars and Venus and all that bobbins

No, this isn't another of my wierd astronomical posts. One of the guys at work emailed this funny little story to me. I'm not even going to pretend to underdstand all that "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" bobbins (probably why I'm so terminally single... hehe) but I feel it summed it up quite well and it appealed to the twisted part of me a lot.


I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their hearts. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."


One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said "I don't feel like it; I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not enough in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Hey Hey 16k

:: I went all gooey and nostalgic when I watched this. Pure genius.

:: Have a read of The Man Who Fell Asleep. In fact, I challenge you not to! I wasted far too much time at work today on this site. It's funny in an "oh..." sort of way...

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart

You will ALL share my pain. Praise be to the Lord Phil of Collins for I am told he is good on drums....

(I'm glad to get THAT out of my head.)
This is a better view on the "Blogging Lifecycle" simply for the fact that it appears to be closer to my current situation.

Edit: I know I'm being pretty negative and boring at the moment but I'm exploring this and trying to figure out where my commitment and motivation went.

Edit 2: At least I'm posting again...

Friday, April 30, 2004

Spring Cleaning

Hehe... thought I'd go for a hat-trick of posts in April. Done a bit of spring cleaning, updated my books and music and thrown together a new title.

Free chocolate chip cookie to anyone who can tell me who the Evil Robot is....

Five Stages

I found this in a post on what appears to be a forgotten cache of a long dead blog from back in old 2000. It seems that this life cycle has been recognised and been around for a while.


Stage 1: Denial. You set up your blog. You are excited. You start blogging all your favourite bands and sites and friends. You think your design is nifty, that you are someone special now. You want people to visit you.

Stage 2: Anger. You begin visiting other blogs. You find a few you really like. These people, they are so cool! You follow the links from their sites, hoping to find more of these wondrous blogs. Alas, you only find links to the same five blogs. No one is linking your blog! No one cares! The circle seems very, very small, impossible to break into. You lash out at other bloggers.

Stage 3: Bargaining. You begin linking other blogs with kind words in the hope of return links. You beg for email, beg for voicemail messages, beg for any recognition that you are a human being and your voice needs to be heard. Hits continue to drop, because you are whining a lot and no longer linking fun toys and sites.

Stage 4: Depression. The blog becomes a diary. You talk about giving it up, about how much time it is taking away from your "life" and your "personal site." Secretly, you hope to receive emails begging you to continue blogging. When you don't, you either close down your blog or enter...

Stage 5: Acceptance. You accept your small place in the burgeoning blogger ranks. You learn to blog for yourself, and don't fret if you skip a day or two or if your hits begin to roller coaster. You leave out the meta-blog junk, even if it means you now only post 2 or three times a day. You cultivate friendships with a few other bloggers via email and icq, and find a small circle of community within the big, ugly blogger world.


I definitely recognise myself in the first four stages and it would seem that an awful lot of bloggers can never make it past stage 4. That is certainly the crunch and I'm still unsure as to whether my toys are well and truly out of the pram or I can accept. I have certainly enjoyed making this post and using the interweb like this again so you never know.

So what is the best cure for this blog "depression"? I read these wise words somewhere out in the blogosphere (I'll link if I find it again)

"Imagine the un-fleshed hordes who could at any instant listen. And don’t keep track of traffic."

I popped back to see what was happening and found that many of the blogs I regularly read have either stopped or packed up totally and they started around the same time as Planet:Maffydoo. There definitely seems to be a "Life Cycle" to blogs.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

What's happening on Planet:Maffydoo?

I don't really know... After many months, I seem to have lost the bug, my blogging muse is no longer speaking to me, I have hit a wall, I have plateau'd, I have blogger's block.

I'LL BE BACK!!!What has changed to make this happen? I have no idea. I suspect a lot of bloggers go through this but because Planet:Maffydoo and Vanishing Maffydoo is the only meaningful (to me...) presence I have on this big old interweb, I'm not packing it in or anything drastic like that.

I still like my blogs and I'm positive I still enjoy writing stuff for them. I've learned a lot about web design, Javascript and HTML and I found myself trawling the web for interesting stuff and learned a lot from that. I've also found some classic stuff which made me laugh and all of the stuff is on here because I liked it and wanted to share it.

I guess what I really want to say is that Planet:Maffydoo is not dead, not by a long way.

In the words of the governor of California, "I'll be back!"

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Blow Chunks and Spicy Brains

Hello gentle reader (notice the singular is used...) I have some more loverly linkies for your wonder and delight.

:: This poor woman is sick on live radio... Listen to it before you eat ;)

:: Oh no! You co-worker's heads have exploded and they're after a chew on your spicy brains! It's Crunch Time!

:: Stupid People + Video Camera = THIS! Can you say Jackass....?

Friday, February 20, 2004

Bins, a Spitfire and Kitty

:: I'm sorry, I keep finding weird stuff. This is a message board for people who rummage through other peoples bins. Erm... oookaaaay

:: Close pass by a Spitfire... Very close. Contains a very English chap swearing lots.

:: It's a Virtual Kitty. Yay!
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the leaf of Assam that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

Yesterday, for some reason, people at work were confusing me with someone who actually gave a shit... That's right... I had a right "Monday" on. All I wanted to do was get through the day and not have to speak to anyone in case I happened to bite their heads off but they kept trying. One individual in particular thought it was vitally important that I check out his ultra hilarious Jabber avatar of a Terminator... and he wouldn't let it lie either. He survived with minor lacerations.

Anyway, it's Tuesday now. Have some linkies... go on, treat yourself.

:: This game is totally hatstand but very soothing. Give Grow a go.

:: Star Wars on DVD? YAY!

:: Did you know: That there is an International Association of People Who Dine Over The Kitchen Sink (IAOPWDOTKS)? Now in it's 13th year!

:: I'm not playing X2 anymore but I am playing Eve. The slack blogging may continue for a while. Sorry about that ;)

Green Crisps

I got an email with stuff on it that made me chuckle. I'm sure we've all had them in our in-box before but I thought I would share it with you.

:: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
:: At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
:: One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
:: You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
:: Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
:: Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
:: Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
:: You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
:: Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
:: You never know where to look when eating a banana.
:: Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
:: Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
:: Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
:: You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
:: Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
:: The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
:: The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
:: Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
:: Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
:: Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
:: Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
:: Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
:: You never ever run out of salt.
:: Old ladies can eat more than you think.
:: You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
:: There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
:: No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
:: Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
:: The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
:: People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
:: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
:: Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
:: Bricks are horrible to carry.
:: In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
:: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Slack Blogging and A Gerbil

Sorry for not blogging anything here for a while. I'm still alive but I'm engrossed in a game called "X2: The Threat" and jolly good it is too!

One other thing, if anyone smokes, STOP! Not for the health reason or the financial reason but simply for the fact the I have been having some fantastic dreams since stopping and they are really vivid! I had one that involved a cheetah, a gerbil and sliding down banisters with them and the one I had last night was about a game show that my subconscious seems to have invented. I have never been able to remember dreams for more than a few moments after I wake up but I can remember the current batch as if I only just woke up. Unfortunately, none of them have been rude... yet ;)

And... the new series of 24 starts tonight. WOOHOO!

Friday, February 06, 2004

Reverse Blot Test

I know that in the past I have said that I'm bored of all these on-line tests but this one is really odd. It's one of those Blot tests but in reverse. I'll let you know what I get when I'm at home. The questions I saw were really interesting.

EDIT- I've taken the test. Apparently I'm "Sad Ambivalent Optimistic". I'm not convinced but I like the colour. Anyway, World... meet my blot.

Maffydoo's Blot

Tuesday, February 03, 2004


If you haven't seen Vanishing Maffydoo yet, you may not have heard the news that I've stopped smoking. Apologies in advance for any random outbursts and expect strange posts as I flip out.

Lucky me... I'm Possessed

Well, it turns out that I have two spirits with me at all times. How nice for me...

It all began last week. We have a temp in who to all intents and purposes is slightly unhinged (pot-kettle-black etc.) Bless her heart, she tries her best to fit in with me and the rest of the team but she is trying so so hard that it gets a bit embarrassing for her. So, she ambles up to me and says, "Matt, this may sound a bit weird and don't freak out but you have two spirits standing behind you. I'm very sensitive to this sort of thing." I reply with my usual "How nice for you" and promptly freaked out. Over the past few days, I've noticed her looking at me and it's not... quite... right. I, naturally, tell a couple of people and it's all over the company before you can say "Chinese whisper."

Today, she reveled in front of everyone that one of them wears a uniform and has a moutache but she can't figure out the other one because they're shy. EEP!

Now I enjoy reading fiction about magic and sorcery and dragons and ghosts but unless it's scientifically proven, my opinion is that it may be possible but DEFINITELY not probable so I tend to dimes stuff like this. I suppose it's because I think about things too much and have too little blind faith in strangeness.

Still, I think I need to give them a name and some sort of identity. Suggestions welcome.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Yay for Titties and Twirling Gussets

Having a crisis? Been dumped? Trouble at work or school? Jaw click when you chew? Daddy or chips? Babs and Belle will sort you right out. DEAR TITTIES has arrived.

There is no doubt that the problem pages of the national press have been in turmoil since the "Dear Deidre Dingbat Doobage Debacle." (This may or may not be true) Dear Titties is next evolution of Agony Aunterie and has been nominated for a multitude of awards including "Anusol's best use of Century Gothic in a pink blog" and "Blunt Instrument International's best use of the word 'Titties' in a website with no pictures of titties." (This also may or may not be true.) High praise indeed.

So email your woes in and let Babs and Belle strip your problems naked, smack them upside the head and send them packing, leaving you frolicking with glee.

In other news... I fell over twice today and have a big hole in my hand. It took me four seconds to fall over the first time and my entire street saw me. I swore quite a lot. I saw the funny side after my homicidal rage subsided to its normal level. Nobody saw me fall over the second time but if they had they would have been perplexed to hear me utter "not again" on my way down before I swore lots again. Hooray for twirling gussets and ice. That is all.

EDIT- Lawks! Look at this. Russian Roulette for the kiddies. Top idea. I've heard a rumour that they may release a version with hollow-point hippo feet for extra splatter.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Yay! I took a few pictures of my garden and my street and threw a few snowballs. I went in the local supermarket on my way home from work. It's normally about 3 minutes drive from my place. It wasn't snowing when I went in and when I came out it was white. It took me 30 minutes to get home. Going up and down hills is 'fun' in a rear-wheel-drive mid-engined motor...

I think I'll be calling in to work and saying I'm snowed in. I live in a cul-de-sac at the bottom of a small but steep hill. If it's slippy now, wait until a freezing night passes...


Jay and I went to The Joiners in Southampton to see Hooker, Red 5 and Gonga play. I'd never been there before and I wish I'd known about it 12 years ago. It's a pub with a stage out back. It seems to be a respected venue for up and coming bands and they had posters of previous band who had played there including the likes of Coldplay, Oasis, Reef, Cooper Temple Cause and Kills.

First band was Hooker. (Hint: Don't type that into Google like I just did...) Pretty good sounds, very entertaining and they looked like they were having fun. I'm going to have to find out more about this lot because I was pretty impressed.

Next was Red 5. They looked rather thrown together. The Lead Singer looked like a student. The Bassist and the Drummer looked like they had just come home from working in an accounts department. The Lead Guitarist was in the wrong band totally with his long rocker barnet, rock tats and naked from the waist up. Couldn't find a website for them so I don't know what they're like in the studio but I wasn't overly impressed by their performance. (I actually feel a little guilty saying that because I respect anyone with the balls to go stage like that)

Last was Gonga. All kneel at the temple of Black Sabbath! Top Heavy Metal Guitar Action! They were good but I think they were having an off day which is a shame. I've had a listen to some of their stuff since and really liked what I heard. I get the feeling that they would be a lot better in a bigger room.

One last thing.... Jay, GET THE HEATER IN YOUR CAR FIXED! Brrrrrr...

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Huh? A Network Called 'Internet'

:: Huh? They do stuff and sometimes they do certain things... but most of the time they just do stuff.

:: An interesting little snippet for you... This is a TV clip of a Canadian news programme talking about this new thing emerging called 'Internet'. There are as many as 15 million people using it. It's 1993.

:: Ever wondered what the average colour of the Interweb is? No? Me neither. But here it is. Rather disapointing, don't you think? In disgust, I've made this section pink.

Monday, January 19, 2004


I made this for 4rthur. The font didn't display properly in Photoshop so I used Word and hacked it about. For those who don't know, this is a line of Basic from the good old ZX Spectrum. Ahhhh... those were the days. And I'm chuffed that Munkton used it :)

Saturday, January 17, 2004

The Catflap Incident

My Mum is has five cats. They are all very different. Tilly is a moody ginger kitty. Sky is a snobby blue Ragdoll. Mir is an unbelievably cheerful tortoiseshell. Badger is black as the night, the only boy, skinny as hell and a complete wimp. Finally there is Aurora who is a white behemoth and lazy as hell.

Aurora has a weight problem. She is the BIGGEST cat I have seen in ages. There was an incident a few weeks ago. Aurora decided to go outside and have a frolic. There was only the catflap between her and the garden. She had got to such a size that the catflap decided to give up and came right out of the door. Fortunately (or unfortunately for Aurora) my Mum was quick with the camera and caught Aurora on film wearing the catflap. It is now on Rate My Kitten for all the interweb to see.

Aurora is now on a diet and has developed a phobia of catflaps. The catflap is receiving counseling but has resumed its job.

Friday, January 16, 2004

The Sun, Clare Short and Norks

The Sun's treatment of Clare Short is astonishingly bad.

She made a rather ill advised statement that "Page 3" should be banned. I personally think she is wrong and as long as consent is involved, who cares what people read or look at? Who cares if a vacuous airheaded model wants to get her norks out? That's a whole issue on it's own. I also think it tends towards censorship which is a bad thing. This, of course, is not where the big problem lies.

My problem is with The Sun, Rebakah Wade (the editor) and Rupert Murdoch. This "newspaper" freely appeals to the lowest common denominator and unfortunately they have the uncanny ability to work the ignorant masses up into a frenzy of mindless racism, homophobia and the like. Unfortunately for the outspoken MP, they have turned on her just as the matters of student fees and the Hutton inquiry into the death of Dr David Kelly are coming to a head and this sadly takes the emphasis away from these more important matters.

I'm no fan of Clare Short but this has driven me to send an email of support to her. Can you imagine the piles of emails from the idiots just intelligent enough to figure out how the use a computer? Actually, it's probably only three or four...

This post on this little blog in a quiet corner of the interweb will no doubt go unnoticed and the influence of Rupert Murdoch, Rebekah Wade and the tabloids will continue to titillate and lead the dribbling masses by the nose but how long can it last? We all know that it probably remain for a long time but the readership is at its lowest for years as people defect to the mostly harmless Star that doesn't even pretend to be a newspaper and very rarely pretends to be the moral crusader that The Sun so often pretends to be. In fact the Australian equivalent of The Sun folded in the 1980s due to issues very similar to this.

I'm going to keep an eye on this one. I have a feeling that this may get bigger if things continue like this...


RIP Blogspeak

The commenting system that I used, Blogspeak, is now pushing up the daisies. It seems that the server it was on was under constant hacker attack for some unknown reason and the host pulled the plug. The comments are going to end up at Haloscan and I'm using a temporary Haloscan account for the time being.

Thanks Harry. It was good while it lasted.

Monday, January 12, 2004

:: Pee your name in the snow! Koala Tea!

:: Did you know that it's Internetional Prune Breakfast Month or that tomorrow's International Peach Melba Day? You didn't? That's not very good, is it. Go here to find out when the National & International Fruit and Vegetable Days, Weeks and Months are. I, for one, am going to make sure I'm in Armenia for August 31st!

:: And the Award for the most creative use of an ALT tag* goes to.... I laughed at this quite loudly...

:: Make your own freaky animal.

:: Wow! Tintin is 75. He doesn't look bad for an old codger.

:: This is VixenLove. Read the logs of poor internet junkies tricked into a relationship with a mindless program.

:: Things Creationists hate.

(*ALT tags make those little captions that pop up when you hover the mouse over a picture)

Thursday, January 08, 2004

It's a Jungle Out There

I've been helping Mum and Ickle Sis with thier broadband setup. It did mean that an upgrade to Windows XP was required. So there it was, a brand new virgin installation, completely unsoiled by hookey programs and dodgy downloads. The first thing I do is set up the shiny new broadband connection. It hooks up a treat and all is going tickety-boo. Then everything's gone pear-shaped. The system is spazzing out before my eyes and error messages and strange requests fly across the screen...

Yep... you guessed it. Within 5 minutes of ADSL use, the infamous Blaster worm had found its way onto the hard-drive! 5 MINUTES! After that, there was the quickest install of a Firewall and AV suite you ever saw!

How we laughed!

(Hint: If you get infected, type "c:\windows\system32\shutdown -a" in the run prompt to stop your system shutting down while you're destroying the worm)

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Am I a Cynical Stress Monkey?

This is my second day back at work after nearly two weeks off and it feels like I've been away for months. I can't remember anything. I feel really relaxed too. Perhaps this is a coincidence. Do I need to turn into a stress monkey again to do my job? I do not plan on finding out anytime soon.

And another thing... Either I'm getting cynical or there isn't a lot of decent new stuff on the interweb at the moment. I think that's why I've been so quiet lately from a blogging point of view. I am finding all these 'cool' sites but none of them excite me enough to share them with you... ho-hum!

I will share these with you though...

:: I am a bit of a space case. As you may have guessed, I like my rockets and moons and stuff like that. This is Great Images In Nasa and it's chock full of top images.

:: One Hundred 'n' EEEEIIIIIIGHTEEEEEE! On-line darts. Fun!

:: I've been playing a lot of iSketch lately. Just thought I should remind you that it's there. You'll find me under the name of Maffydoo (duh...)