Forgive me but this may sound a bit convoluted but this is what's happening in my head at the moment...
Smoking's great but I don't smoke... I did for about fifteen years but I stopped on the third of February this year and it's safe to say it made me really miserable for a while. It's like there is a part of you missing, a really important part that calms you down, makes you happy and makes you look really cool.
I started because a lot of my friends and family smoked and I couldn't go against the flow and at fifteen you feel like you're going to live forever. I confess, I still feel like I'm going to live forever but I reached thirty and realised that I'd spent half my life inhaling carcinogenic substances and that's not good. So I stopped. I've managed one hundred days but that was because of a girl and I started up as soon as we split up so that one doesn't count. I've managed sixty days but I started a new job and turned into a stress monkey so that doesn't count either.
This time around, I used nicotine replacement patches and they really worked well. I couldn't say if they actually physically replaced the addiction but I reckon they worked great as a placebo if anything.
It's now been months since my last smoke and I realised that I can't remember when I had my last craving. I didn't have one at the Reading Festival... too drunk... I'm pretty sure the last one was at the start of August. I have realised that it no longer feels like there is something missing from my life as far as smoking is concerned. This realisation caused an what alcoholics refer to a 'a moment of clarity.' I think I have become so obsessed with not exposing myself to cigarettes and other smokers that I've retreated far into my cave. Have you noticed how infrequently this blog is updated? That's because there's been nothing to really say. I haven't been interacting with other human beings properly.
Last time I "gave up giving up", I started smoking. Today, 239 days since my last smoke, I can safely say that I "gave up giving up" but this time I don't need a fag. I no longer have this excuse so I'm going to have to do stuff again. Perhaps there's something more deep rooted than smoking to blame on my recent hermit like tendencies (I'm not your average run-of-the-mill human by a long, long way) but it's convenient to blame it on the smokes.