No, this isn't another of my wierd astronomical posts. One of the guys at work emailed this funny little story to me. I'm not even going to pretend to underdstand all that "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" bobbins (probably why I'm so terminally single... hehe) but I feel it summed it up quite well and it appealed to the twisted part of me a lot.
I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their hearts. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said "I don't feel like it; I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not enough in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.