Walking Hammers!

The video to Pink Floyd's The Wall gave me nightmares... for YEARS! If I see it now, it still sends shivers down my spine.

Imagine my horror when I was trawling the interweb and I found this!

WAAAAAH!

My Preciousss

(Possible Spoilers)

My last post reminded me that I haven't commented on The Return Of The King which I saw before Christmas. What a film! Someone asked me which was my favorite. I don't think you pick one because, like the books, they are one piece of work and each is that much better when you consider the whole trilogy.

Peter Jackson must have seen the books like I did because the films are so close to how I imagined the characters and the locations. I think the casting is one the best things about the films. Each actor seems to be made for the character. Could you imagine Mel Gibson as Aragorn or Julia Roberts as Galadriel? No, me either. My favorite bit of casting is definitely Christopher Lee as Saruman. He is just so bloody EVIL!

My favorite character in the films is Gollum despite the fact that he is purely CGI (remember J*r-J*r B*nks?). He is so tragic and, if you haven't read the books, this third film explains a lot. His monologues where he is Sméagol and Gollum are great. His best line from the films is from The Two Towers.

"Master... master looks after us... Master wouldn't hurt us.
Master broke his promise!
Don't ask Smeagol! Poor, poor Smeagol...
Massster betrayed us! Wicked! Tricksy! False! We ought to wring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! Then we take the precious, then we be the master!
But, the fat hobbit... he knows! He's always watching!
Then we stabs them out! Put out his eyeses and make him crawl!
Yes!
Kill them both!
Yes! No! No, too risky! It's too risky!
We could let... her do it. Yesss... she could do it. Yess, precious, she could. Then we takes it once they're dead. Once they're dead..."

There is also Shelob... ARRRGH! She is a massive spider that live in the cave Frodo, Sam and Gollum use to get to Mordor. I was having real trouble watching that. She is based on New Zealand Black Tunnelweb Spider. There is one scene where Frodo is walking along and you can see that the Shelob is stalking him. The fact that she was TOTALLY silent while creeping up on him is straight out of my worst nightmares!

I'm not going to talk about the story. Just go and see the film... NOW!

I saw a funny quote from Quentin Tarantino in Empire magazine. "This CGI bullshit is the death knell of cinema. If I'd wanted that computer game bullshit, I'd have stuck my dick in a Nintendo." I understand where he is coming from but with films like The Lord Of The Rings (hopeless optimist here?), the death rattle is going to be awfully long.

::Links
TheOneRing.net
Official Site

Cabin Fever

Christmas is done and it was a good one this year. From my point of views there were no alarms and no surprises and Mum cooked the best Christmas dinner ever and I got some nice presents too.

Just saw The Office Christmas Specials and I watched a lot of it from behind my hands and curled up in a fetal position. This is my natural reaction when I feel embarrassed for someone on the TV. One quotation that sums it up is "Can we stop talking about my dead mother's breasts please..." I was halfway between groaning and laughing myself hoarse which is peculiar because you end up feeling the same way you do when you see a car crash, you know it's wrong but you can't help but look. It's such a strange thing to watch. Like a lot of people I recognise people I work with and, more scarily sometimes, myself. It is bloody good.

I am also getting a bit of cabin fever. I have a (bad?) habit of sealing myself off from the outside world and staying in my cave for a while. Apart from the phone, I haven't seen anyone since five o'clock yesterday. I can't help but feel that it is a little weird of me but I can disappear off the face of the planet for a couple of days when I emerge I pretty much always feel better. In my opinion, it's one of the perks of not living with anyone and being single but it helps if you are comfortable with your own company and a lot of people aren't. I haven't really done anything constructive. I have nearly finished Wizard and Glass by Stephen King from only being halfway through it. The flat and the car are both very clean. Played a bit of Warcraft 3. Used my Amazon vouchers. Watched The Two Towers.

And try Mead. It's made out of honey and is allegedly the oldest booze in the world. I got some Lindisfarne Mead for Christmas from my Aunty Annabel who lives on a tiny Scottish island. It's really sweet and really... well... honey-ey. Can't tell if I like it or not but it's nice to know what it tastes like after quaffing many a flagon while playing Goblins and Pixies back in the old days. Oh, and Goblins and Pixies is what my sister Amy calls role playing games. That's REAL role playing games with dice and paper and imagination, not this new fangled computer RPG stuff. Heh... I feel really beardy and geeky now...

That is all...

::This is an amazing video (~1.5 Mb) of a 500,000 volt switch failing to interrupt the arc when operating. Sounds boring but you should see it! If you want to get geeky, some technical details are here.

::Fight Club Rule Number Two: Don't join if you've got a Glass jaw (~3.2 Mb)

[do right click -> save target as]

The Physics of Santa and His Reindeer

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000/3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[Originally published in Spy magazine in 1990]

Maffy's conclusion : You can't explain Santa using physics because the Tooth Fairy told me.

Satan Claus

We all know that Chrstmas celebrates the birth of Jesus (well... most of us do...) What fewer of us realise is that Christmas, like many holidays, has it's roots set firmly in Pagan tradition as well as Christianity.

According to this article, modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans.

>>>NEWSFLASH<<<

This just in..... Canada to ban Dwarf Tossing!

There is a $5,000 fine and 6 months in jail if you are caught. What can the Canadian government be thinking? This new law can only send such a popular sport like this underground. Think of it... no healthcare or insurance. What if someone strains a shoulder or a wrist when tossing.

In a statement, the Governor of Ontario said he was satisfied "the ban on dwarf-tossing was not abusive but necessary in order to protect public order, including considerations of human dignity." But this reporter feels that we will see a flood of tossers hitting the dole queues soon and the fabric of the nation of Canada will start falling apart at the seams.

The Dwarves involved have stated that they are not worried about the ban. Expect to see "Snow White" a lot during up-coming panto season.

Metallica

Just got back from seeing Metallica at Earls Court with Andy and in the words of the lead singer of Godsmack, "forget what you've heard before this, Metallica are the f*cking kings of metal." I think fantastic just about sums it up.

We got the whole range from anthemic rock tunes like "Nothing Else Matters" to brutal speed metal like "Fight Fire With Fire" and I am told by Andy is the first time they have played the latter for ages. "Creeping Death", "Seek and Destroy" and "Master of Puppets" were truly amazing.

James was on top form whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Kirk and Lars didn't put a foot wrong as usual and Rob is just Rob but it doesn't feel like he's part of the whole thing yet. I'm not the purist Metallica fan that he is. I know what I like and I like what I hear with Metallica although my Metallica collection seems to be slowly filling up with their back catalogue.

It was an absolutely spectacular performance but it wasn't quite right and it's not because of Metallica. When we came out we weren't sweating like pigs, covered in bruises and our ears weren't ringing. That's right, we were stuck in the seats. I definitely feel like I have witnessed an awesome event but I don't feel like I was part of an awesome event. Strange experience.

At the end of the gig, they announced that they are playing the Download Festival at Donnington in the summer. See you there.

There is also a Metallica biography out in April 2004.

Practice makes Perfect

This little game will help you no end during the next couple of weeks.

RIAA vs. The Interweb

I've been keeping an eye on the whole "RIAA vs. Interweb" debacle. It seems that the record companies are indeed losing according to the following article from Downhill Battle.

"THIS COULD BE ENDGAME. A federal appeals court has just ruled that the RIAA can't force internet service providers to turn over the names of suspected filesharers (p2pnet article). And if the RIAA can't get the names, they can't file suits.

Unfortunately, there are hundreds of people who have already fallen victim to these illegal subpoenas. They've had to pay thousands of dollars each to settle suits or to avoid having a suit filed against them. Downhill Battle is starting a campaign today to demand that the major record labels return all of the money that they have extorted from families and individuals.

UPDATE: We have just issued a press release calling for the RIAA to return all settlement money. Read the release (pdf). "

It's an odd situation because in my eyes because both sides appear to be wrong.

Illegal peer-to-peer file sharing of music is... erm... illegal. It infringes copyright laws all over the planet which allegedly "affects earnings and jeopardises future releases" according to the record industry.

On the other side of the coin, who wants to buy product off multi-national mega corporations who sue families and marginalise independent music? Not me! I don't want to end up listening to Celine "The Horse" Dion, Britney "Nice-videos-when-on-mute" Spears and West "Talentless-Irish-feckers" Life for the rest of time.

EDIT- I just Googled "RIAA". Seems that Google is not without a sense of humour (check the ads on the left.) I chuckled. And the Interweb is now full of this story!

Room 101

Work is getting slack as we get closer to Christmas so we've had a little fun. Everyone in my team at work has submitted 5 things to be put in Room 101. For those that don't know, Room 101 is from 1984 by George Orwell and it is a torture room that contains "the worst thing in the world".

You might also remember the TV show where celebrities chose 5 things to go into the room and the over-smug Nick Hancock chose whether or not it should go in. That is what we have done. There are a few more to come but this is the story so far.

Just a little warning, some may be just a tad... rude :)

::Karl

::Corn
Absolute and utter waste of time effort and calories. Don't tell me it tastes nice -just invent corn flavoured chewing gum. On top of that it makes your crap look like a picnic (which is more appealing than CORN!), so Corn basically makes sh*t look good. It's got to go

::Comb over hair
Wake up - you are going bald. We don't believe you have a full head of hair, you don't believe you have hair, the barber only pretends you have hair cos you are paying him - no-one f*cking believes it and you look stupid. Even ugly fat people take the piss out of you. When you go swimming it looks like you have your own personal oil slick following you and the longer it is the more daft you look. Even Sir Bobby Charlton stopped doing it, if its good enough for one of our peers... you are not better than a knight of the realm.

::Caravans
Remember Pikeys do not want to do this - it's cos its their way of life and they want to move to different places to go thieving. Caravans shouldn't be allowed on the road at the same time as humans. Bobbing along "roads aren't that busy this bank holiday" - NO MATE - COS ALL THE BLOODY TRAFFIC IS BEING HELD UP BY YOU!!!!!. What is appealing about being hated by all other road -users (including women drivers cos you are slowing them down too), pissing (and the other) in a bucket - which you have to empty, and playing board games and agreeing that isn't it nice hearing the rain on the roof. You should have your own dedicated time for travelling which is between 1:30am and 2:30am. During all other times you should pull up and leave us alone.

::Dog Pooh
And owners who do not think it's their job to pick it up cost the dog did it - Right. Disgusting smell, hacks you off if you stand in it, hacks you off even more if someone walks it into your house. And worst of all - cos I am now a dog walker not only do I have to walk round with a pocket fuller of nappy liners (which makes everybody think I am incontinent) but when I do pick it up -ITS BLOODY WARM!!!!!!

::Twats at check out tills
The ones that have covered every bar code in the basket, the old ones that pay with every bit of copper in their old raggedy purse (including coins that are no longer legal tender), ones that pay with credit cards that will not clear, ones that have 11 items in the maximum 10 items lane, the ones that insist in paying by cheque in the cash-only, women with push-chairs and screaming kids, ones that insist in changing the carton of milk cos it's leaking and you can never get that spotty kid quick enough to change the sodding thing (YOU PICKED IT), ones that insist the kids eat some of the grapes and then pay by weight, ones that know you should have weighed it yourself (you lazy shits), ones that have gone shopping late especially so they can stand and wait for the shop to mark down the bread, the ones that have come straight from an all day sesh for a cold pastie and insist on being your mate and lastly the ones who arrogantly put the dividers next to your one packet of mints - do they really think you want to pay for their stuff. Sod off the lot of you...internet shopping rules - or would this take some of the social interaction out of our lives...Mmmmmmmmm let me think.

::Lee

::Beggars outside bars or clubs
They've got the cheek to ask you for change when the spawny little bastards are wearing designer clothes and trainers

::Going down on a women after they've been out
It stinks and you cant get the taste out of your mouth for days, but you still bloody do it.

::In-laws
Because their darling little daughter cant do no wrong, but what ever you do its never good enough.

::Twats at a footy match
Irritating little twats behind you that call players by their first names and seem to know what they had for breakfast.

::Dickhead Liverpool fans
The manager always has an excuse and Liverpool fans still seem to think Owen is the dogs bollocks they seem to forget world cup 98 was 5 years ago, or was it 2 years.

::Bethany

::People that pay for shopping with vouchers and cash when there is a long queue
Always in Sainsbury's, always an old person and always when you only have 10 minutes to get back to work.

::Food stuck on peoples faces after they have eaten
Makes me sick and is why I cannot eat bananas, scary childhood memory and am scarred for life.

::Boy Racers
States you will be a wanker for life no matter what

::People who wear sunglasses indoors whatever the weather
Again, wanker!

::'We will wait and see'
That bloody saying that all parents use at least 20 billion times a year to their kids. It is a crap way of saying piss off. Again bad childhood memories and no I don't want to talk about it.

::Jasmin

::Vanessa Feltz
A beast...and has anyone told her that pink is not a good colour when you're 30 stone? The word pig comes to mind.

::Over-priced hotel bars
Fleeced for £32 when there's a free bar downstairs.

::Yorkshire Terriers
Especially when their owners tie red ribbon onto a tuft of fur on top of their heads. Pathetic, yapping excuses for dogs. Which leads to...

::Stepping in dog crap
I can recall many occasions of skidding a few inches across pavements/grass and then attempting to scrape crap off with a leaf or bus ticket only to end up with pooey knuckles.

::Pigeons
For the same reason as above but for having crap in my hair and trying to remove with bus ticket. By the way, who said that it's supposed to be good luck?

::Matt (me)

::Spiders
They do not fit into the ecosystem properly. A genetic memory of Ancient Evil Arachnid Overlords from Mars means that half the planet is scared of them, me being one of them. The other half was genetically modified through the anus by them and aren't normal. Have you ever seen the Trapdoor ones? NOT RIGHT!

::The Footballing Franchise formerly known as Wimbledon FC
Please hurry up and DIE! Those arse-bitches involved who killed my club, introduced franchising to English Football, and made them more hated than Manchester Utd are... Sam Hamman - Sold Plough Lane and f*cked off to Cardiff with the proceeds, C*NT! Charles Koppel and some Norwegian twunts - Proposed the move the Milton Keynes and f*cked off. C*NTS! The Football Association - Crusty old f*ckwits. Allowed the move to take place and were sucked in by Koppel while the fans could see through the blatant lies and spin, should f*ck off - C*NTS! Peter Winkelman - Music industry spastic trying to make a quick buck out of the club but got stung by the fact that nobody in Milton Keynes or the rest of the country actually gives a f*ck and will probably f*ck off soon - C*NT!

::McDonalds
Evil American junk food pushers who want us all to be 30 stone and dead by 45 of heart failure. Everything I have ever eaten from there goes through me like a twelve lane motorway.

::Intentional Bad Spelling and Grammar Atrocities.
Mobile phone text messages and instant messaging in general are the main culprits encouraging this. If you use it, it makes you look retarded.

::Celine Dion
Talentless screeching Canadian dog. I will be buying one of her CDs and slicing her tongue out. Then she won't be able to inflict any of her whiny pathetic love songs on us again.

Share my pain

GOLD (gold)
Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructible
Always believe in...

(Stuck in your head too? Gooooood...)

History stuff that happened today

Yay for the interweb. Here are things that happenned on my birthday-

1230 - Ottokar I king of Bohemia, died.
1890 - Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police.
1939 - The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.
1944 - Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel.
1961 - Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps.
1964 - Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.
1966 - Walt Disney died in Los Angeles.
1997 - Lillian Disney widow of Walt Disney, died.

Other People's Birthdays

Other people who I share my birthday with are-

• Nero Claudius Augustus Germanicus 5th emperor of Rome and complete nutter was born today in 37 AD.
  
• Actress Helen Slater (SuperGirl) is 40.
  
• Movie director Reginald Hudlin (House Party.... eep!) is 42.
  
• Country singer Doug Phelps (Brother Phelps; Kentucky Headhunters... who?) is 43.
  
• Rock musician Paul Simonon (The Clash... yay!) is 48.
  
• Movie director Alex Cox (rings a bell somewhere) is 49.
  
• Actor Don Johnson is 54.
  
• Rock musician Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge) is 57.
  
• Rock musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 61.
  
• Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 64.
  
• Actor-comedian Tim Conway (who?) is 70.
  
• Country singer Ernest Ashworth (who?) is 75.

It's My Birthday

I've been on this strange little planet for 31 whole years now. Yay for me! I suppose I should have a crisis or something but I still feel the same as I did when I was 16... everyone else seems to be having the crisis for me.

And thanks for all the pressies everyone.

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with
a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little
Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something ... Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick
the dog.
25. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS

A quiet word about your mobile phone...

Musical Epiphany

I reckon everyone has at least one. Some people have a few and some have many.

My first musical epiphany was "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam. I was going to say "Alive" but it was "Even Flow" that really woke me up and opened the door to many other top tunes. It's a great piece of grunge that has fine lyrics and a tune that is only just this side of uplifting and it made a lot of sense to me as an ugly and misunderstood teenager. Ten was also the first album I bought. The first single I bought was "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles (I think) but I only got that becasue I fancied Susanna Hoffs, the lead singer. No epiphany there I'm (not) sorry to say.

An interesting one for me is "Come Back Brighter" by Reef. With hindsight, it's not the best tune by a LONG way but it came out at exactly the right time in my life and caused a 'moment of clarity' that got me through some bad shit. It's often the timing and not the quality if you get my drift.

My most recent epiphany is "Harmonic Generator" by The Datsuns. First heard it at the Reading Festival this year and it's energy blew me away and it's still firmly entrenched in the stereo.

So, let me know what yours are.

[imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and this idea is mercilessly copied from a visitor.]

The Darkness Are The Kings of Rawk!

It is true that they have the unique retro cock-rock "gimmick" going on. It is also true that they have released a genuinely classic album with great rock tunes. BUT... You will never truly understand what The Darkness is all about until you have seen them live. And that is 100% of FACT!

Compared to their set at Reading 2003, it wasn't anywhere near as good. There wasn't the audience participation and I felt at a couple of points that they were just going through the motions. I didn't get as good a vibe but I reckon that has a hell of a lot to do with the audience which had a lot of people who looked well out of place. On the other side of the coin, this is a good thing for The Darkness because as well as confirmed gig goers and festival crustys like me and my mates, they have attracted the main stream fans. It may also have something to do with the fact that I was quite drunk. But, average Darkness is still fantastic.

I did get right down the front and was on the barrier for the last half of the gig and that was awesome. I rarely get starstruck but having the Darkness belt out "Love On The Rocks" from two meters away was cool as fuck and made the experience all the more memorable! It was not conducive to the survival of my eyebrows either because the pyros were rather hot at times...

I don't actually remember what tunes they did, but they finished with their cheese-tastic Christmas single "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bell's End)" and a shower of glitter.

At the end of the gig, Jay was absolutely distraught because he had lost his Soundgarden top. He was in a total panic as he loves that tatty old thing but, of course, Maffy found it and saved the day. I honestly thought he was going to cry with joy when I gave it back to him.

I have seen a couple of interviews since the gig and it seems the The Darkness are being stifled by their record company who want them to tour this album to death and squeeze every last drop out of it. I sincerely hope that they are strong enough to fight this and get on with another album as soon as possible because you can't survive on 10 songs and a couple of B-sides for long. I hope the fact that they are saying this is a positive thing.

Long Live The Darkness!

My Teeth Itch!

I have Man-flu again. Second time this year and I hadn't had Man-flu for at least two years before that. Curse the lot of you for infecting me!

If you are wondering, Man-flu is just a normal cold made worse through whingeing. Amy invented it.

I am doing my Darkness review right now. Sorry for the delay. I did one on Saturday but I deleted it before I posted it and couldn't be bothered to re-type it.

England's World Cup Qualifier Draw

We are in Group 6. The teams are:

England
Poland
Austria
Wales
Northern Ireland
Azerbaijan

Wow! Three home nations in one group. And Poland.... AGAIN! We seem to be inexorably linked to that nation in football. It's not a bad draw and the only teams that I can see giving us hassle are Poland and maybe Austria.

Weebl has made a new toon but I can't watch it because I'm at work. BOO! But I'm going to see The Darkness and I'm off home in 5 minutes so I don't care. YAY!

Edit: Just watched it... and WOO for this sort of thing! But there is a warning the comes with it: MAY CONTAIN BADGERS!

I'm off to see

on their Elf Hazard tour at the BIC tomorrow.
I will mostly getting off my face and rocking quite hugely.
I will let you all know how good it was on Friday
if my hangover is not too evil.
That is all.

Abul-Darda' Hashim al-Hajjaj

:: Yay! A website devoted to Leia's gold bikini in Return of the Jedi!

::My name in Arabic is apparently Abul-Darda' Hashim al-Hajjaj. Fancy that...

::Tons of groovy desktop images here.

:: A huge amount of polls to waste your time on.

:: Tropical parasite eats woman's brain.

:: Feel the power of the Sci-Fi geek! Farscape is back!

:: Fluffiness Overload Warning!!! A huge amount of kittens here. You'll probably recognise a lot of them but the fact that they're all in one place is awesome. Dial-uppers beware - very large page with lots of images

:: If you've overdosed on fluffiness, here's some stuff to bring you down. According to this report, there are 1,000 times too many humans on the planet. But that doesn't really matter because we'll be extinct by 2040 according to this report.

Tweakage Alert!

I've added a cool new feature for my title image. This is my first step into the murky waters of coding Javascript and I'm not sure how "tidy" it is. If you get any problems, please let me know.

Also, let me know if you get any pop-up banners. Check in Netscape and IE if you can. I have a sneaking suspicion that the new tagboard has them embedded... and we know what THAT means (edit... DELETE!!!)

EDIT: Tagboard DOES use evil pop-up banner advertising!!! It's one of my pet hates on t'internet and I can't have that on my site so it's gone. Sorry.

England have won the Rugby World Cup!

Australia 17-20 England
England won the Rugby World Cup with a breathtaking Jonny Wilkinson drop goal just 26 seconds from the end of a thrilling final in Sydney.

Millions watched around the world as captain Martin Johnson became the first player to lead a northern hemisphere side to the world title.

Wilkinson's last-gasp effort was all that separated the sides after 100 minutes of rugby and a dramatic extra-time finale.

Australia battled hard and were never out of the game but ultimately fell just short, despite opening the scoring through wing Lote Tuqiri.

The match represented the culmination of four impressive years of improvement from an England team that flattered to deceive in the last World Cup.

Then, Johnson and his cohorts were kicked out by South Africa and were rightly criticised for lacking a 'killer spirit'.

There were no such weaknesses on display on Saturday as England wrestled the cup away from an Aussie side who fought tooth and nail to become the first team to retain the trophy.

The Wallabies started strongly when Tuqiri out-jumped Jason Robinson to a huge Stephen Larkham bomb with just six minutes on the clock.

The score was no more than Australia deserved but three Wilkinson penalties soon silenced the strong home support.

Despite the rain continuing to fall, both sides chose to keep the ball in hand and as the game progressed, so the mighty England pack began to dominate.

With just 10 minutes of the first half left, Ben Kay knocked on with the line beckoning to the frustration of the visiting fans.

Minutes later, England finally silenced their critics when Robinson scuttled over wide on the left after a powerful midfield burst from Lawrence Dallaglio.

The men in white started the second half as they had finished the first.

Johnson led from the front with a towering performance and Dallaglio and flanker Richard Hill caused numerous problems down the middle of the pitch.

But just as England looked likely to pull away, two sloppy penalties allowed Elton Flatley to bring his side back within touching distance.

England looked the more confident side with the ball in hand - but only just.

Will Greenwood knocked on inside the Aussie 22 and Wilkinson then missed a drop goal as the match entered a tense closing quarter.

Runs from the powerful Stirling Mortlock and George Smith pushed England back into their own half.

And as referee Andre Watson prepared to blow for full time, Flatley slotted his third kick of the half to push the match into extra time.

The players looked understandably exhausted and when Wilkinson and Flatley again swapped penalties the match looked as if it was heading into sudden death.

But England were not to be denied and it was fitting that Wilkinson sealed a deserved victory as well as the most memorable result in English rugby history.
_______________________________________

Key Moments
::6 mins: Tuqiri's try puts Australia ahead
::38 mins: Robinson scores a try after three Wilkinson penalties to put England 14-5 ahead
::80 mins: The hosts haul themselves level with Flatley's last-gasp penalty
::82 mins: Wilkinson's penalty gives England an extra-time advantage
::97 mins: Flatley strikes again to equalise at 17-17
::100 mins: Wilkinson's drop goal wins England the World Cup
_______________________________________

Teams
::Australia: M Rogers, W Sailor, S Mortlock, E Flatley, L Tuqiri; S Larkham, G Gregan (capt); B Young, B Cannon, A Baxter; J Harrison, N Sharpe; G Smith, P Waugh, D Lyons.
::Replacements: J Paul, M Dunning, D Giffin, M Cockbain, C Whitaker, M Giteau, J Roff.

::England: J Lewsey, J Robinson, W Greenwood, M Tindall, B Cohen; J Wilkinson, M Dawson; T Woodman, S Thompson, P Vickery; M Johnson; (capt), B Kay; R Hill, N Back, L Dallaglio.
::Replacements: D West, J Leonard, M Corry, L Moody, K Bracken, M Catt, I Balshaw.
_______________________________________

[from BBCi]

Severe Tweakage Warning

Good evening passengers, this is your captain speaking. As you may or may not be aware, the Blog is about to encounter some severe tweakage and we may experience some turbulence. This is a common occurence at this altitude and there is no cause for alarm. Please remain in your seats and fasten your safety belts. Thank you for flying Planet:Maffydoo.

Maffy's day-off linkys

I've got today off work so to celebrate, here are some cool links I found over the last week.

::Boobies! Woo-Hoo!

::OUCH!

::Check out this Drift Challenge. (Warning: 18mb dowload, right click recommended)

::The moon landings... fake? Couldn't be. This article makes an awful lot of sense though...

::We knew stealing that music was wrong. Stealing is never OK. But, it was just too easy. Want to make it right again? The solution: Send Them Back!!

::Try out this self-hypnosis thingy. You'll be barking like a dog in NO time.

::Weird Trippy Artsy Japanese Stuff. Yay for this sort of thing!

::Dude barfs then gets thirsty. Top sound on this flashy thing. Reminds me of Jay's comedy pukage.

::Star Wars helmets! Woohoo! Collect them ALL!

::Here is a groovy Japanese game where you're a small circular thing with a mouth that wants to eat much bigger things, but only if they're happy. Big grumpy things are no good - they taste bad. And Angry things are downright poisonous.

That is all!

Crazee Foo'

This is the mutt's nuts. It's awesome. It's stupendous! It fucking RULES! It's uber! It really is rather good. It's Mr. T... in your pocket no less! And if you're a tightwad, go here to download some .wavs of the man himself.
"Hey Suck-ah! You goan' PAAAAAY!"

Chasing Bush

I know it's a bit liberal of me but what the hell. Hound the dullard and hope he gets the message! Do you know the IQ of the man in control of the largest nuclear arsenal on this planet? 80!

(The campaign's name makes me laugh too)

I'm on the Front Page at Tattyworld!

"Professor Moriarty... we meet again but this time, the advantage is mine!"

Wow! I'm on a roll! Those nice people at Tattyworld have put this image on their front page! This site is quite different from b3ta because, on average, the quality of the pictures there are a hell of a lot better. Colour me chuffed!

I also posted it on b3ta, naturally. See if you can spot my piccy in this post. I am now officially source material :)

A nice person on b3ta told me that if an image looks too rough, flatten it, add 3% monochrome noise, and gaussian blur it by a fraction of a pixel. It hides a multitude of sins. And use the extract tool instead of the select tools because it's way quicker and the results are a lot more polished. Again, this info is more for my benefit...

Weekend linkys

::Some web space for you to all sign up to.
::In the immortal words of Sir Henry of Rollins, "Yeah, I am a liar! Yeah, I like it! I feel good!"
::Fancy a spot of Squirrel Fishing?
::I'm feeling all christmassy so go here and design your own snowflake.
::Dissect Britney! Yay!

I MADE THE FRONT PAGE OF B3TA!

Woo! Yay! Houpla! Panowie! Go here!!!!

Potato Swap Stuff

::This is mainly for my own benefit but this is Jay Arraich’s Photoshop Tips. Very useful.
::This a pile of cool free photoshop filters.
::A few good tutorials and digital art at dubtastic.
::304 tips and more tutorials at here.

My latest creation for b3ta. Hope you like it.

If you ever think you've had enough of the interweb, go here for a couple of minutes peace. I saw this first about 5 years ago and I'm happy to report that it is still here and exactly as I remember it.

"Don't get yourself hurt out there in that crazy modern, javascript, animated-gif-laced, slow loading world. Whenever you need a couple of minutes of peace, just come back and see us."

Googolplex

Googolplex is a silly word and for absolutely no reason, I wanted to find out what a it actually was. I ended up here and quickly came to the conclusion that it's mind blowingly/numbingly big. That'll teach me.

Do not read if your are mathematically and astronomically faint hearted.

Total Eclipse of the Moon

A total lunar eclipse is a celestial event of great majesty and grace. Among early civilizations, the eclipse was feared as an ominous sign of disaster, death, war and famine. Today, we recognize the eclipse as a simple consequence of the Moon's orbital motion around Earth.

A lunar eclipse has no great importance astronomically but can be enjoyed by many people without special equipment.

Skywatchers should train their eyes on the Moon from 2215 GMT, when it enters the outer edges of our planet's shadow.

Mid-eclipse takes place between 0106 and 0131 GMT Sunday as the Moon transits the southern edge of the Earth's shadow. Totality is quite short this time because the Moon only passes just inside the full shadow of the Earth, and the Moon's southern edge, in particular, should remain fairly bright.

As the show progresses, the Moon will get dimmer and, possibly, turn reddish during mid-eclipse, when the only light that can reach the lunar surface is red light refracted through the Earth's atmosphere.

The Moon leaves the last bit of shadow at 0422 GMT.

Let's hope it's not cloudy...

Links:
BBCi - Red Moon set to dive behind Earth
RAS - Lunar Eclipse Visible On 8/9 November

Everything..... EVER!

:: Blimey, look at this! It's a Picture of Everything. Well nearly. I spent far to long clicking around this place.
:: I have also found a Fountain of Knowledge. I have always wondered why dogs don't burp...
:: Next is the Theory of Everything.
:: And finally, how it will all end.

I have no idea why but my host is playing up. I'm looking into it at the moment but it means that all my images are knackered. Normal servoce will be resumed as soon as I know what is going on.

EDIT: Up and running again... Yay!

Uma Thurman

Uma is the new-age Vamp.

She was born in 1970. Her father, Robert, is a professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University School of Religion. He was the first westerner to become a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Uma was named for a Hindu goddess. Her mother is a Swedish model-turned-psychotherapist Nena, who was discovered at 16 in Stockholm by photographer Norman Parkinson. A nude statue of Nena's mother, Brigit Holmquist, a famous beauty and later baroness, stands in the port town of Trelleborg. Salvador Dali, introduced Nena to her first husband, Timothy Leary. She is the granddaughter of Baron Karl von Schlebrugg. Uma's middle name, Karuna, is one of the four sublime abodes in Buddhism. It means "compassion." The other 3 sublime abodes are Metta (Loving kindness), Mudita (Sympathetic joy), and Upekkha (Equanimity). She has size 11 shoes! (big socks then...)

I first noticed her in Dangerous Liaisons in 1988 which was her first of many critically acclaimed films. Unfortunately (for her that is...) she is mostly remembered for the fact that she got them out and the fact the she had to play opposite the grossly miscast Keanu Reeves. But she pulled it off with the grace and elegance that only Uma has.

Her next big part was as Mia Wallace in one of the best films of the 90s, possibly ever, Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction. She was the face on all the posters and was in the most memorable scenes in the movie. The first is the dance with John Travolta in Jack Rabbit Slim's which will undoubtedly stay in everyone mind for a long time to come. The other is the overdose scene which is truly disturbing and completely crazy. She got and Oscar nomination.

She has done some dodgy stuff too. The Avengers was absolute shite but she did have that leather catsuit thing. In Batman and Robin, she played Poison Ivy and was the only decent thing in the whole film.

She has a habit of disappearing off the face of the planet for ages and then reappearing in a blaze of publicity as if she had never been away. She also has the ability to act in the smallest arthouse movies and the biggest Hollywood blockbuster.

Most recently she played The Bride in Kill Bill Volume One. She basically kicked everyone's arse all over the screen for an hour and a half with a very sharp Japanese sword in a yellow jumpsuit. Of course, she is sublimely cool in this movies as well. (and for a bit of the old ultra-geek, someone has created an RPG character for The Bride.)

She describes herself as a "Tall, sandy blonde, with sort of blue eyes, skinny in places, fat in others. An average gal." I'd still do her and yes, I'll admit it, I fantasize about getting beaten up by her :)

I'll be posting the third of my current top five ladies soon.

Scary Badgers!

Weebl who did the badgers-repeat-until-funny thing had this video sent to him in the post. It said on the label that he shouldn't watch it. He did and then stuck it on the web.

Yay for this sort of thing!

Amazing pictures of the fires that have engulfed Southern California.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

[this is a stealth blog from work. don't tell anyone...]

This is definitely somewhere to "take" your girlfriend. (Check out the "entry" for 10/10/03...)

[found in the spazz at b3ta]

Could anyone else get HHH every time?

Cindy Crawford

This is the first of five in my all-time sexiest women list. It's in no particular order and the first is Cindy Crawford, one of the faces of the 90s and the epitome of supermodel.

I don't usually like models. They all look skinny and anorexic to me and they never have any boobs or curves. When I see them on television and in the magazines I find myself shouting "EAT SOMETHING" and wanting feed them some chips and a couple of doughnuts. Not our Cindy. She has a gorgeous full figure, when compared to the others, and an athletic look about her. With perfect looks and amazing brown eyes, she has graced more magazine covers than anyone else with over 400 and counting. Over-exposure you would think but I never get tired of seeing her.

She has, by most accounts, retained her American Midwestern values of courtesy and kindness and I reckon she's got a big brain too. She studied chemical engineering at the Northwestern University, on scholarship no less! All that exposure and the fact that she's got her grubby mitts into everything you could think of from the usual calendars and fitness videos to restaurants and jewellery as well as running her own company means that she is the highest paid model ever. I don't need to say anything else really becuase everyone knows who she is.

Oh... did I mention THAT mole?

So-Solid Superdons

Micheal Harvey aka MC Harvey of the So-Solid Crew has signed for AFC Wimbledon!

He joins in the left back position from Ryman League Premier Division side Ford United. He has previouisly been at Chelsea, Barnet and Aldershot so he may be quite useful. Apparently, he knows skipper Joe Sheerin from thier time at Chelsea and they met up last weekend after Kingstonian played Ford Utd.

He is expected to be named as a sub tomorrow against Chipstead. Question is, will get the winner with twenty-one seconds to go.....?

"NOT TOO LONG AGO I WAS QUITE THE PROFESSIONAL.
MY FRIENDS AND I WERE THE 'CREME DE LA CREME' IN AN EXCLUSIVE INDUSTRY.
AND WE ALL WORKED FOR THIS MAN...
BILL.
THEN ONE DAY I DECIDED TO LEAVE, SETTLE DOWN AND START A NEW LIFE.
BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GET OUT, THEY TRIED TO DO ME IN.
GUESS THEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED A LITTLE HARDER..."
- - - - - - - - - -
The "Old Klingon Proverb" is the first thing on screen in Kill Bill Volume One. It is exactly right for the film which is one of best films I've seen this year. The action is way better than Matrix Reloaded because you don't need to suspend your disbelief that much and it is grisly in a funny way (I'm a sick puppy) to say the least.

I won't give too much of the story away but I will say that it's about The Bride (Uma) who is left for dead and seeks revenge on the people who tried to kill her. She goes about this with "tear-your-arm-off-and-beat-you-to-death-with-the-wet-end" type violence. Oh, hang on, that IS the story.

I suppose it's not a typical Quentin Tarantino film because it is action driven but the threads of a much deeper story are dangled in front of us and it has a very "soap opera" ending. I hope we will see a lot more of this in Volume Two... along with more swords and yellow jump suits.

Maffy says "See it... SEE IT NOW!"

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?

Yes... I know, I know. It's yet another daft test for you to waste 30 seconds on. But this one made me laugh and I like my result. Have fun.


Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

Must kill, ha ha, ha ha! Death! Playground antics! Cake and cheese! Yes! you're an Insane ninja child!

The blast must have hit you particularly strong, because you've gained a billion new superpowers and can take on anyone you want. Even that kid Gunrock-with-nine-arms from down the street. Only problem is, it's driven you completely insane and you now have a thirst for blood equalled only by your thirst for vengeance and peeing in the kitchen bin.

No, stop! That's what the toilet's for. Stop I say!

And still the Dark Tower beckons

I've finished the second of The Dark Tower books by Stephen King. It's even better than the first one. I had trouble reading this volume when I was a nipper and lost interest very quickly. This time, however, I absolutely devoured it. Stephen King is a great story teller and it's dead easy to read.

Roland, the last gunslinger, is mortally wounded on an endless beach on a dying world. He discovers a portal to another world which is the first of three doors that lead into the minds of people from this world. The Three will ultimately help him on his quest for the Dark Tower - The Prisoner, The Lady of Shadows and The Pusher.

I'm starting the third volume, The Waste Lands. The back cover reads:

"THIS IS THE PATH OF THE BEAM, THE WAY OF THE TOWER, AND THE TIME OF YOUR DRAWING. BE TRUE; STAND; COME TO ME."

Through time and waste and divided dreams, the last of the gunslingers turn their faces to the Turtle and travel the path of the Beam. And come, when Eddie unlocks the key from the branch and Roland gives the promise he may not keep, to the Drawing of Jake, the undead boy who is one of many who are one... Bound together in thought and treachery, pursued by the Ageless Stranger, they face the perils of Lud and the Tick-Tock Man to reach the Cradle of Blaine the Mono, who is truth and danger and will ransom their lives for a riddle.

And still the Dark Tower beckons, where death lies in the heart of the rose...

huh...?

You will spend hours here and you will end up laughing and drooling like a three-year-old.

[found by mister dog]

Ninjai

This is Ninjai: The Little Ninja. This is an absolutely beautiful flash animation and the best I have seen yet. A lot of time, effort and talent has gone into this. Absolutely breathtaking. And it's got blood, swords, dismemberment and some top quoteables.

Edit: I just got to chapter 8... It's really sad. I'm filling up

Edit: I just finished watching all the chapters so far. If this doesn't get turned into a feature film or a tv show at the least, someone ought to have a word. It's that damn good. And I am amazed that it's all done in Flash 5.0

Hangovers are great. I keep finding cool interwebbery! I shouldn't really have a hangover. I went to a mates house to get sofa'd and watch DVDs and stuff and ended up having tres grandeness in town. I haven't drunk for six weeks so I went a bit mad and I'm suffering from a touch of memory loss... Anyway, on the the salty goodness of the intermaweb...

:: It's a dot. It farts. Pure genius.

:: Squish the human... Squash her! Squash her HARD!!! This one reminds me of Daley Thompson and Hypersports on the old Speccy for some reason.

:: Police Squad! In Color! Surely the best series ever! - Yes, but don't call me Shirley!

:: Perhaps one of the most interseting words in the English language today is the word fuck. This one made me laugh a lot.

:: This is Neurotically Yours. The adventures of a goth chick and her squirrel. Foamy's Rant is inspired.

Half Life 2 will not be out until April 2004 according to this report on CNN Money.

But Valve's position, as usual, is different to Vivendi's and the delay in replying to the delay is delayed...

This is Modern Living. Very VERY strange art but I really like it.

What Is Your Battlecry

Find the last words your enemies hear before you go truely medieval on them. As my current Diablo II character, the barbarian Boros, my battlecry is...

Zang! Who is that, rampaging out of the cliffs! It is Boros, hands clutching buzzsaw hand extensions! And with a cruel roar, his voice cometh:

"I'm going to beat you so hard, your momma won't recognize you!!!"

Paintball Hurts

Oh yes. It does! About twenty of my colleagues from work and I went to Action Paintball at Hurn yesterday and had a right laugh!

We started at 9:30am and played until 3:00pm. The games were really cool. There was Defend the Fort, Capture the Flag, Speedball and Checkpoint Charlie. These were all well organized with definite objectives. I didn't get hit too often and when I did it was in the face so my mask took the worst of it. In one game, we were desperately losing and I made a glory run for the objective and got shot up a treat! Again, not too bad. Three or four hits to my chest.

It did degenerate somewhat at about 2:00pm. The four guys who organized it from work were designated as prisoners. We started back to the 'base' and they did over the guards and legged it into nearby woods. About sixteen of us stormed in there and had to capture them. I got in there first and shot up two of them including my boss. (YES!). After a couple of minutes we had the prisoners but we didn't realize it and were still searching. We were all in a clearing and it degenerated a bit. For some reason, I started randomly shooting people. Not mental like, I hid behind people and popped of a few rounds. Then, Ivan lost his footing and fell over... one round straight in the arse! So of course he fired back. I dodged it and Richard who was stood behind me took one right in the gonads! Oucheee!

We lined up the prisoners and we did a firing squad! Hehe! The four prisoners consisted of two managers... They were blindfolded and the other two joined us. They were shot up a treat! Completely covered head to foot in yellow paint! To quote Karl, my boss, "That was unfunny!" Not from where I stood...

Last game was a free-for-all to use up the last of the ammo. Everyone legged it into a field and when the whistle blow, start shooting! Safe to say I got most of my bruises from this. I've counted them, 13 to my chest, 5 on my left leg, 4 on the right, 4 on the left arm, 3 on the right, 8 on the back, 1 on the left hand and an absolute doozey to the back of my head with a lump so big that feels like I'm growing another head. With this lot are the 3 times I took shots to the face, I make that 39 bruises and 42 hits in all.

So with all those bruises, why did I do it? I did it because it was on the company and it was great fun. A great way to completely knacker yourself.

Hurricane Matthew

Yay! I get a hurricane named after me in 2004! I was going to say "I wonder if I'll make lots of Americans homeless?" but I won't because that's evil and politically incorrect. Australia's got me on their list too.

Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon… and then Gallifrey?

Tenuous reference to Eddie Izzard in the last post and then I hear the he's been confirmed as the new Doctor Who! Looks like it's not concrete yet but it's on the BBC website so you never know...

My Cat Hates You

We all know that kittens rule. They are the greatest. Rate My Kitten is one of the best websites for images of kittens and cats. There are some absolute classics there.

We also know that cats have a hidden agenda. Behind all the purrs, whiskers and cuteness is an untamed beast of unimaginable evilness and cunning. Watch out for the purring especially. When you're not looking, they're drilling. They purr to disguise the noise. Trust me, if your cat is purring behind the sofa.... </izzard>

To get to the point, there is a website devoted to the dark side of your cute little feline bundles of joy. My Cat Hates You is full of images and stories of absolute horror and mayhem involving cats. When your cat's mask slips, you'll be familiar with what's here. One example in "The Litterbox" made me laugh. I quote,

My cat came running into the library at full steam the other day, stopped dead in his tracks, shat on the carpet, and then took off again. Intrigued, I followed him around, watching him as he scooted his ass along the floor, leaving a shit-smear trail behind him as he went. Can you tell me what this means?

Remember kids, cats are cute but cats are also EVIL!

The trailer for Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King is out and it looks good! And Shelob is in this one.... EEEP!

Bedfont 1-6 Dons

That's twelve goals in two games for AFC Wimbledon as they continue their demolition of the Combined Counties League and soundly thrashed Bedfont. Goals scored by Everard, Gray and Sheerin, two for Cooper and an own goal. With this sort of form, can anyone stop the Superdons?

Schumacher wins at Indianapolis

Montoya's out of the running now as he has a complete mare at the Brickyard. He punted Barichello off the road and unfortunately, but deservedly, got a drive through penalty. This undoubtedly cost him the title. On top of this, he had a botched pitstop and the Michelen tyres weren't up to the quality of the Bridgestones in the wet. Kimi Raikonnen got second and is still in with a slim chance of the title.

San Diego Chargers 31-34 Oakland Raiders

The Oakland Raiders rallied behind quarterback Rich Gannon against divisional rivals San Diego Chargers with an overtime win. At one point, they were 14 points behind with five minutes of regulation time left. Their record is now 2 wins and 2 losses for the season. Hopefully this close shave will be the catalyst to kick start the Raiders so far uninspiring season.

Womble 'til I die

In just under four hours, franchising will rear its ugly head in English Football. It happened to my club, Wimbledon FC and I don't like it. In fact I hate it! It is the worst thing that could ever have happened to the football team that I have supported since I was a nipper. I never remember making a conscious decision to support them, it seems I always did.

They made into the football league in 1977 and it was the modern fairytale blast up the tables to ultimately reach the top division of English football in 1986. To top this all off, they went on to win the FA Cup in 1988 against all the odds against Liverpool, undeniably the top team in England throughout the 70s and the 80s. Wimbledon continued to be a force in the old division one and the Premiership for many years. Teams dreaded the prospect of a game against The Crazy Gang with their unorthodox style of playing and team of misfits and bruisers. They would have made it into European competition had it not been for the ban on English clubs stemming from the Heysel Stadium disaster.

In 2000, they got relegated to Division One. That was a disaster and I was really disappointed. But that was nothing compared to what was on the horizon. There had always been rumblings of moving the club. Places like Dublin, Hull and Milton Keynes had been mentioned in rumors for years but no one ever expected them to follow through with this threat. It was all rumors, right? On May 28th 2002, the Football League granted permission for Wimbledon FC to relocate to Milton Keynes. On this day, my football club was murdered. Charles Koppel, Peter Winkleman and some faceless Norwegian owners had managed to hoodwink the league into thinking that this was essential to the survival of the club. I won't go into detail. Go to The Big Tissue and click on "The Truth" if you want to find out how to kill a football club. I can honestly say that I felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought about it. Now I am simply resigned to the fact. I don't live in Wimbledon anymore and haven't for fifteen years and people were wondering why the had affected me so profoundly. They have NO idea. It's impossible to explain what it is like. I just hope and pray it never happens to you.

From this disaster AFC Wimbledon was born on May 30th 2002. They play in the Seagrave Haulage Combined Counties League and was created "By the fans for the fans." Be in no doubt, this is the true Wimbledon complete with all the history and achievements and is a direct continuation of the club that was formed as Wimbledon Old Centrals in 1889. Many people expected this venture to fail. It'll be a flash in the pan. A real football club, created by fans? It'll never work. But never forget the Wimbledon spirit.

In the 2002-3 season, they set the CCL alight and everyone was forced to take them seriously. They managed a record of 36 wins out of 46 matches and got 111 points. A championship season in most other leagues but they finished third behind a rampant Withdean 2000 and AFC Wallingford. This season so far, AFC Wimbledon have won 8 out of 8 games.

Here is a club with a significant following, amassing a serious amount of money. They get more fans through the gates than The Franchise who play in a league 7 divisions higher. It won't be long before they are knocking on the doors of the football league again.

Now that The Franchise have abandoned London, there remains just one thing to complete the transfer of the spirit of the football club in Wimbledon to the true owners. The franchise currently known as "Wimbledon FC" now play in Milton Keynes. All links have been severed with the community that they were stolen from apart from the name. They have to change their name. Once this happens, I will be satisfied and I will (all be it begrudgingly) wish The Franchise luck in their venture. At that time, they will be a different club with nothing to do with the borough of Merton or AFC Wimbledon.

I have managed not to be abusive in this post but I need to say this one last thing. Charles Koppel, club killer... you are a complete c*nt. That is all.

Womble 'til I die
Womble 'til I die
I know I am
I'm sure I am
Womble 'til I die

The Matrix Revolutions trailers are out

deviantART

I found this really cool website yesterday while I was trawling the interweb on my lunch break. It's called deviantART. It's basically a place for people to show off thier creations. Every kind of image is there for you to find from Indy Art to mobile phone backgrounds. You may have to separate the wheat from the chaff but it's worth it. I really like it.

Rice Rocket

I've just had a go in Amy and Deacon's Nissan Pulsar GTI-R 2.0L Turbo... RUDE!

Stupid grin etched across my face right now. I'm used to my Toyota MR2 which is no slouch I assure you, but this is mentalism! He got it today and it's been tweaked to 280-290 bhp. Standard, it's about 230 bhp. I definitely feels like it has been influenced by rally cars with the four wheel drive and the performance. The exhaust is big enough to stick your head into and LOUD. It's got a funky little dump valve that makes it sound like a rally car, the one the tweets when you change gear. Basically, you'd be able to completely destroy most things that are on the road today.

In most magazines, it still gets compared to the Subaru Impreza WRX and Mitsubishi Lancer Evo more than ten years after it's launch. Max Power describes it as an 'Utter Weapon.' I think this is rather unfortunate as that is what we call people who irritate us at work, but I can identify with the sentiment. Check out the picture I took and take note of the number plate. I decided to leave just the last three letters showing.

They're not the prettiest car on the planet but that doesn't really matter as you won't see it for long. You don't get one of these for the way it looks. I am so tempted to start looking for one for myself but I'm still loving my MR2 so that won't happen for a long time. If anything, my next motor will be an MR2 Turbo. We'll see when I get to that point.

I'm sure you'll be reading of it's adventures on my ickle sister's blog.

Oh yeah, Deacon... I knew you wouldn't be able to resist a jap motor for long :)

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed

In my humble opinion, this is the coolest opening sentence to any book that I have read. It instantly grabbed me and made me want to consume the entire volume. It is The Dark Tower I : The Gunslinger by Stephen King.

I picked this one up yesterday to read it for the third time (It's THAT good). I just found out that there is a re-written version. I'm going to get this before going any further. The consensus of the reviews I've read on the interweb seem to be that it is far better than the original.

I never managed to get into the following volumes. I found myself too easily distracted. I reckon that it's because I was only sixteen when I first read them. Maybe this time round, I'll understand it better because I remember that there were some concepts in the books that simply confused me and I don't think I was patient enough to bother to work them out.

[The new Stephen King website is very nice and the The Dark Tower section is particularly good. Give it a look.]

The Bridge by Iain Banks

"A man lies in a coma after a near-fatal accident. His body broken, his memory vanished, he finds himself in the surreal world of the bridge - a world free of the usual constraints of time and space, a world where dream and fantasy, past and future fuse. Who is this man? Where is he? Is he more dead than alive? Or has he never been so alive before?"

The book is written is a style that makes it feel like a dream as the man tries to figure out what is going on and who he is. The Bridge is seemingly endless, spanning the massive ocean between the City and the Kingdom which none of the inhabitants have ever seen. Everything seems to be working against him making any progress. The fact that the inhabitants of the Bridge seem to have misplaced a library is a good example of this. Several threads of plot are mixed in, the real world, the Bridge and a next level of dreams that the man has while on the Bridge. One of these is of a brainless barbarian assaulting the underworld written in an almost unreadable dialect (Irvine Welsh fans please note, Banks was here first!) These aren't to taxing and pretty easy to work out but that doesn't change the fact that this is an awesome read. The whole book is nicely weird and leftfield and manages not to alienate the reader at any time. I reckon I'll be reading this again in a few years.

One other thing, I am more of an Iain M Banks fan and really enjoy his Sci-Fi work. This is a good start if you want to check out his 'regular' fiction.

Maffy Rating - Read it! Read it, NOW!

Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticise him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Somebody found my blog by typing 'Kittens Sing Metallica' into Google. I thought this was really cool.

I've had a few hits from people looking for tickets for The Darkness at the BIC and also from the phase 'wi' a wannion'. And I don't even know what a 'wannion' is!

Just thought I should share this with you. That is all.

Destructionism and OMG LOL WTF!11!!!!!111

Another unnecessarily violent flashy thing for you from the Orient. It's called Destructionism and you shoot people. How nice.

This made me laugh. It made me laugh A LOT. It's especially useful if you want to infiltrate the Busted message board or other such deviant and base sites. Here's one I made earlier... 'G3T UR HANDS OF MAH WOMAN MOTHERFUK3R1!1!1 LOL'. For those who are wondering, I have a pure and deep hatred of what is known as AOLspeak. For me, it is up there with spam and l33tspeak.

Last one. This is the Urban Dictionary. It's been around for a while so you may have seen it but I like it so have a play.

Impurity, Sin and Damnation (eeep!)

The Dante's Inferno Test says I'm going to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how I matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Me... a virtuous non-believer... hmmm. If you look at my results, I'd have to say that I'm semi-eviiil, quasi-eviiil or Scott Evil. At least I don't get burned or things attached to my nipples or anything. But seeing as I don't believe in Heaven, let alone Hell it's a bit of a moot point. Actually, thinking about it too much hurts my head. I'll have to discuss it with Socrates and Aristotle when I get there.

Pointy Stabby Death

Here you will find a heart rending tale, conveyed through the medium of the internet flash film of a man and his knife, his rifle, his axe, his fist, other people's heads, his sword... etc... etc... Somebody call the academy and give this guy an Oscar, NOW (academy? Nut house more like!) Comes with a free bodycount too!!!

3-D Pong

A groovy little flash game here. This gives me a headache too but it's very cool.

Eye Need an Eye Transplant...

ARRRGH! My eyes! For some reason, I've now got a splitting headache too.

This is a chain email that Amy sent to me. I've seen it about fifty times (I'm sure she's sent it about 10 times...) and I can't be arsed to send it out any more. So here it is for the last time. You could always stick it on your blog if you got one.

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? (Silly me, putting my full name on the web for the last 5 years with all this info... don't do it kids, people find you!)
DESCRIBE THE PANTS YOU ARE WEARING? Blue Boxers
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Foo Fighters
WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER? Nah...
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Pasta
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Lime Green
HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Clear and Dark
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? Ickle Sis
THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? I'd like to say eyes, but I'm going with boobs
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? Yes
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? YAAAAAR! International Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be!
FAVORITE DRINK? Tea
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Lager
FAVORITE SPORTS? Most types of Motor Racing
HAIR COLOR? Brown
EYE COLOR? Hazel
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGE: Ickle Sis, 28 and Ickle Ickle Sis, 16
FAVORITE MONTH? December
FAVORITE FOOD? Lasagne
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The One
FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Summer Solstice
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Yes
DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES? Scary movies
SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I'm not fussy
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate
DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? Not chaining this one
WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? xxx
WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? xxx
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS ? In my cave
WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? The Bridge by Iain Banks
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 5-1 to England
FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit
WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Went out on the lash
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? Petrol
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Sleeeeeeeep

AHOY!

YAAAAR! Mostly talkin' like a pirate today, I be! HA-HAAAAAR! But ye'd think the scallywags on the scow that I serve on had ne'er heard the speakin' of a buccaneer. Most of them had been drinkin' from a barrel o' grog in the fair port o' Bournemouth the night before. Drinkin' the wicked drink, I be not, on account of the scurvy infesting me body. Me merry YAAARs and AVAST MATEYs be messin' with their noggins, I be thinkin'. 'Tis surely an evil drink is grog! Still, a few jolly wenches joined me in the singin' o' "What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor!" The rest o' the crew be surely feeling the bite o' me cutlass! YAAAAAAAAAAAR! The tradition o' Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chum Bucket have been honoured across the seven seas until next yeaaaaar! AHOY and AVAST! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

TWO DAYS TO GO!!!

Yaaaar me hearties! Can ye be guessin' why I changed the title? Yaaaar! If any o' ye lily-livered land-lubbers nay be knowin', I be makin' ye walk the plank wi' a wannion an' a black spot on ye souls an' ye be takin' a trip to Davey Jones' Locker! Shiver me timbers! YAAAAAAAR HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Pirate speak's a bit heavy on the old apostrophe key...

And to keep you all going until then, check this clicky to see if you are a true son of a biscuit-eater!

Stealth Disco!

This is STEALTH DISCO!. Disco will never die! Watch out! The Seventies are right behind you!

For your information, I have never Stealth Disco'd.... I Stealth Mosh!

And a reminder, 5 days until Talk Like A Pirate Day! September the 19th is nearly here!

Michael Schumacher has won the 2003 Italian Grand Prix at Monza. He led most of the way but Montoya was on his tail the whole time and kept him honest. He's definitely in control now on 82 world championship points. Juan Pablo Montoya bagged second, Rubens Barrichello got third and Kimi Raikonnen came in fourth. Montoya is on 79 points and Kimi is on 75 points and there is 20 points up for grabs at Indianapolis and Suzuka so it's still wide open.

COME ON JUAN! HAVE IT!!!!

Earth Science Missions Anomaly Report

Lockheed Martin filed this report report on September 6th concerning an incident at Lockheed Martin Space Systems Co., Sunnyvale, California.

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! PARP!

Just so that you know, the NOAA-N Prime spacecraft project will cost the US taxpayer $230,000,000. Boy, I would have loved to have seen that. I wonder what kind of noise $230,000,000 makes?

A Wedding, A Pub Crawl and A Marathon of Sport

So, I went to Neil and Karen's wedding on Friday. It was all good I suppose.... you know... how weddings should be. But I thought that Neil was going to cry while he was saying his vows and not Karen. Why was this? Was it pure joy and happiness or the shotgun? (I'm going STRAIGHT to hell for that... and I may delete if I lose my bottle.)

The reception was okay and there was plenty of free food and booze but I couldn't drink because of these industrial strength anti-boitics I'm on. BOO! I have a tendency to get completely lashed when in two certain situations, either if I'm having a really good time or if I'm bored out of my head and I definitely had an urge to get completely wasted! (I'll let you figure out which reason I was going for.) Pete was providing decent entertainment and was making eyes at this really pretty girl with legs that went on for ages! It turns out that it was Karen's baby sister who is only 15. We did not let him forget it all evening. I also found out that he is mates with the bloke who runs the UK Metallica Fan Club. (Logged for future reference)

Kev was being his usual self and being too loud and making some totally inappropriate comments. Nice one Kev! The speeches were okay. In Rory's speech (he was the best man) he explained the meanings of the happy couple's names. It turns out the Neil means "little champion." Years of mocking to come there... hehe. Oh, and one other thing... WHERE WAS THE FRICKEN MUSIC??? I didn't hear so much as a squeak from a stereo or ANYTHING! Major downer!

One really funny moment to note however. The conversation had got really base towards the end of the evening. Pretty much par for the course. We were talking about bumgay stuff... y'know... K-Y, chafing, that sort of thing. At a lull in the conversation, Lindsey, Rory's girlfriend, attempted to change the subject onto something a little more savoury. She said with a completely straight face and totally innocently "Neil. Can I see your ring?"

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Saturday, woke up really late and watched Soccer AM. Top show! Went to see Mum and lent her some money and I feel really good for doing this. Well, she's got me out of a few sticky situations with money before so it's only fair.

Watched the qualifying for the Italian GP at Monza. It was pretty good and I found myself shouting at the TV when Montoya was on his lap. He didn't quite get pole but is on the front row with Schumacher and Raikonnen is right behind them. This should make for a good start to the race. Went shopping. Went home. Played Deus Ex for a bit, read a couple of chapters of The Bridge (this book is totally mental!), watched some footy. Went out to Bournemouth.

Met up with James, Kate, Beth, Catherine and Tory at the Lighthouse (or So Bar as it's now called...) Of course, I'm not able to drink through fear of spazzing my drugs and I have the urge to get TOTALLY lashed. James is an absolute monster when it comes to drinking and can drink so much that if I tried to keep up, I would be sleeping off a stomach pump right now. The man is a animal. Go onto Bar Med and meet up with Kate's bit of stuff called Kickable and his really weird and irritating mate. Why he's called Kickable I have NO idea and didn't think to ask.

Onto Walkabout and then Yates' and everyone else is getting wasted. I'm really jealous... Kate starts grinding me at regular intervals which is nice to start with but gets a bit much after a while. She is a lovely girl but I don't fancy her at all I'm afraid. But she knows this and we are just have a laugh. Catherine makes a plea for help to keep the mate of Kickable away from her because he is freaking her out. Mate of Kickable is a complete twunt and we start making plans to ditch him. James keeps buying these weird and wacky shorts and is handing them round to everyone. Blue ones, green ones, clear ones. All very interesting viewing. Beth is well on her way. She is definitely one of the coolest people on the planet. She like the same kind of music as me, her boyfriend owns a Carmen Ghia and is in a band and makes money off this, she has a calming influence on me at work when I get stressed out and she owns a restored black 1958 VW Beetle.

Onto Brazil's. A dodgy little club with very strange people in there. I am being sociable and get talking to Catherine for a while. She is into Sci-Fi like me and it turns out that her favourite film is Blade Runner. Same as me! We continue talking random stuff for a while. Beth seems to think that we should get it on. I was only being friendly! She doesn't know any of us apart from Tory so was probably felt a little awkward. Anyway, logged for future reference :) Everyone is steaming by now and we are busting some wicked moves and cutting some serious shapes on the dance floor. Kate grinds a bit more.

I get all emotional with Tory because we haven't seen each other since she quit the company I work at. We are really good mates and it hasn't been the same since she went. For those who don't know Tory, she is one of those stunningly beautiful people blessed with an awesome personality and gets on with everyone. Fan-TAS-tic boobies too! Also, she's married of course and her husband, Paul, is really cool and we get on great. I hadn't seen him for something like three years and I went round to their house and we picked up right where we left off when I used to work with him at the last company I was at.

We stagger on to Toko and James is getting a bit punchy now and we have to watch him. He stares out a minibus on the way over. Bless. Booze for everyone else (sob) and onto the dance floor. They play some really weird stuff in there as well as normal stuff. One combination is 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany into 'I Believe In A Thing Called Love' by The Darkness into 'Club Tropicana' by Wham. No one in there gets The Darkness apart from us. The dance floor is static! Bunch of Philistines!

I take Beth home and she hasn't been in the MR2 before. It's nice and dry so I give it hoon around a roundabout. In at 30mph round to the last exit, out at 45mph, blast off, Niiiice. She is quite drunk so I don't do it again...

Go home. Blog.

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Tomorrow, I'm going to be really lazy and watch copious amounts of sport. The Italian GP is on. Go Montoya! He SO has to win! Then I think I'll catch a bit of Football. Finally a six hour NFL marathon with Andy.

That is all.

As seen on b3ta.

I'm toxic and I'm on so much anti-biotics and anti-inflammatories that I'll be pissing bleach tomorrow. Just thought I should share that with you.

Also, my friend Neil is getting married tomorrow to Karen. Which is nice. My mother always said if you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing. But it's a bit of a grey area for me. So all I will say is good luck, and don't say I didn't warn you cos I did... (I may delete this bit if I lose my bottle)

That is all