Friday, December 19, 2003

Room 101

Work is getting slack as we get closer to Christmas so we've had a little fun. Everyone in my team at work has submitted 5 things to be put in Room 101. For those that don't know, Room 101 is from 1984 by George Orwell and it is a torture room that contains "the worst thing in the world".

You might also remember the TV show where celebrities chose 5 things to go into the room and the over-smug Nick Hancock chose whether or not it should go in. That is what we have done. There are a few more to come but this is the story so far.

Just a little warning, some may be just a tad... rude :)


Absolute and utter waste of time effort and calories. Don't tell me it tastes nice -just invent corn flavoured chewing gum. On top of that it makes your crap look like a picnic (which is more appealing than CORN!), so Corn basically makes sh*t look good. It's got to go

::Comb over hair
Wake up - you are going bald. We don't believe you have a full head of hair, you don't believe you have hair, the barber only pretends you have hair cos you are paying him - no-one f*cking believes it and you look stupid. Even ugly fat people take the piss out of you. When you go swimming it looks like you have your own personal oil slick following you and the longer it is the more daft you look. Even Sir Bobby Charlton stopped doing it, if its good enough for one of our peers... you are not better than a knight of the realm.

Remember Pikeys do not want to do this - it's cos its their way of life and they want to move to different places to go thieving. Caravans shouldn't be allowed on the road at the same time as humans. Bobbing along "roads aren't that busy this bank holiday" - NO MATE - COS ALL THE BLOODY TRAFFIC IS BEING HELD UP BY YOU!!!!!. What is appealing about being hated by all other road -users (including women drivers cos you are slowing them down too), pissing (and the other) in a bucket - which you have to empty, and playing board games and agreeing that isn't it nice hearing the rain on the roof. You should have your own dedicated time for travelling which is between 1:30am and 2:30am. During all other times you should pull up and leave us alone.

::Dog Pooh
And owners who do not think it's their job to pick it up cost the dog did it - Right. Disgusting smell, hacks you off if you stand in it, hacks you off even more if someone walks it into your house. And worst of all - cos I am now a dog walker not only do I have to walk round with a pocket fuller of nappy liners (which makes everybody think I am incontinent) but when I do pick it up -ITS BLOODY WARM!!!!!!

::Twats at check out tills
The ones that have covered every bar code in the basket, the old ones that pay with every bit of copper in their old raggedy purse (including coins that are no longer legal tender), ones that pay with credit cards that will not clear, ones that have 11 items in the maximum 10 items lane, the ones that insist in paying by cheque in the cash-only, women with push-chairs and screaming kids, ones that insist in changing the carton of milk cos it's leaking and you can never get that spotty kid quick enough to change the sodding thing (YOU PICKED IT), ones that insist the kids eat some of the grapes and then pay by weight, ones that know you should have weighed it yourself (you lazy shits), ones that have gone shopping late especially so they can stand and wait for the shop to mark down the bread, the ones that have come straight from an all day sesh for a cold pastie and insist on being your mate and lastly the ones who arrogantly put the dividers next to your one packet of mints - do they really think you want to pay for their stuff. Sod off the lot of you...internet shopping rules - or would this take some of the social interaction out of our lives...Mmmmmmmmm let me think.


::Beggars outside bars or clubs
They've got the cheek to ask you for change when the spawny little bastards are wearing designer clothes and trainers

::Going down on a women after they've been out
It stinks and you cant get the taste out of your mouth for days, but you still bloody do it.

Because their darling little daughter cant do no wrong, but what ever you do its never good enough.

::Twats at a footy match
Irritating little twats behind you that call players by their first names and seem to know what they had for breakfast.

::Dickhead Liverpool fans
The manager always has an excuse and Liverpool fans still seem to think Owen is the dogs bollocks they seem to forget world cup 98 was 5 years ago, or was it 2 years.


::People that pay for shopping with vouchers and cash when there is a long queue
Always in Sainsbury's, always an old person and always when you only have 10 minutes to get back to work.

::Food stuck on peoples faces after they have eaten
Makes me sick and is why I cannot eat bananas, scary childhood memory and am scarred for life.

::Boy Racers
States you will be a wanker for life no matter what

::People who wear sunglasses indoors whatever the weather
Again, wanker!

::'We will wait and see'
That bloody saying that all parents use at least 20 billion times a year to their kids. It is a crap way of saying piss off. Again bad childhood memories and no I don't want to talk about it.


::Vanessa Feltz
A beast...and has anyone told her that pink is not a good colour when you're 30 stone? The word pig comes to mind.

::Over-priced hotel bars
Fleeced for £32 when there's a free bar downstairs.

::Yorkshire Terriers
Especially when their owners tie red ribbon onto a tuft of fur on top of their heads. Pathetic, yapping excuses for dogs. Which leads to...

::Stepping in dog crap
I can recall many occasions of skidding a few inches across pavements/grass and then attempting to scrape crap off with a leaf or bus ticket only to end up with pooey knuckles.

For the same reason as above but for having crap in my hair and trying to remove with bus ticket. By the way, who said that it's supposed to be good luck?

::Matt (me)

They do not fit into the ecosystem properly. A genetic memory of Ancient Evil Arachnid Overlords from Mars means that half the planet is scared of them, me being one of them. The other half was genetically modified through the anus by them and aren't normal. Have you ever seen the Trapdoor ones? NOT RIGHT!

::The Footballing Franchise formerly known as Wimbledon FC
Please hurry up and DIE! Those arse-bitches involved who killed my club, introduced franchising to English Football, and made them more hated than Manchester Utd are... Sam Hamman - Sold Plough Lane and f*cked off to Cardiff with the proceeds, C*NT! Charles Koppel and some Norwegian twunts - Proposed the move the Milton Keynes and f*cked off. C*NTS! The Football Association - Crusty old f*ckwits. Allowed the move to take place and were sucked in by Koppel while the fans could see through the blatant lies and spin, should f*ck off - C*NTS! Peter Winkelman - Music industry spastic trying to make a quick buck out of the club but got stung by the fact that nobody in Milton Keynes or the rest of the country actually gives a f*ck and will probably f*ck off soon - C*NT!

Evil American junk food pushers who want us all to be 30 stone and dead by 45 of heart failure. Everything I have ever eaten from there goes through me like a twelve lane motorway.

::Intentional Bad Spelling and Grammar Atrocities.
Mobile phone text messages and instant messaging in general are the main culprits encouraging this. If you use it, it makes you look retarded.

::Celine Dion
Talentless screeching Canadian dog. I will be buying one of her CDs and slicing her tongue out. Then she won't be able to inflict any of her whiny pathetic love songs on us again.

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