When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

[this is a stealth blog from work. don't tell anyone...]

This is definitely somewhere to "take" your girlfriend. (Check out the "entry" for 10/10/03...)

[found in the spazz at b3ta]

Could anyone else get HHH every time?

Cindy Crawford

This is the first of five in my all-time sexiest women list. It's in no particular order and the first is Cindy Crawford, one of the faces of the 90s and the epitome of supermodel.

I don't usually like models. They all look skinny and anorexic to me and they never have any boobs or curves. When I see them on television and in the magazines I find myself shouting "EAT SOMETHING" and wanting feed them some chips and a couple of doughnuts. Not our Cindy. She has a gorgeous full figure, when compared to the others, and an athletic look about her. With perfect looks and amazing brown eyes, she has graced more magazine covers than anyone else with over 400 and counting. Over-exposure you would think but I never get tired of seeing her.

She has, by most accounts, retained her American Midwestern values of courtesy and kindness and I reckon she's got a big brain too. She studied chemical engineering at the Northwestern University, on scholarship no less! All that exposure and the fact that she's got her grubby mitts into everything you could think of from the usual calendars and fitness videos to restaurants and jewellery as well as running her own company means that she is the highest paid model ever. I don't need to say anything else really becuase everyone knows who she is.

Oh... did I mention THAT mole?

So-Solid Superdons

Micheal Harvey aka MC Harvey of the So-Solid Crew has signed for AFC Wimbledon!

He joins in the left back position from Ryman League Premier Division side Ford United. He has previouisly been at Chelsea, Barnet and Aldershot so he may be quite useful. Apparently, he knows skipper Joe Sheerin from thier time at Chelsea and they met up last weekend after Kingstonian played Ford Utd.

He is expected to be named as a sub tomorrow against Chipstead. Question is, will get the winner with twenty-one seconds to go.....?

"NOT TOO LONG AGO I WAS QUITE THE PROFESSIONAL.
MY FRIENDS AND I WERE THE 'CREME DE LA CREME' IN AN EXCLUSIVE INDUSTRY.
AND WE ALL WORKED FOR THIS MAN...
BILL.
THEN ONE DAY I DECIDED TO LEAVE, SETTLE DOWN AND START A NEW LIFE.
BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GET OUT, THEY TRIED TO DO ME IN.
GUESS THEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED A LITTLE HARDER..."
- - - - - - - - - -
The "Old Klingon Proverb" is the first thing on screen in Kill Bill Volume One. It is exactly right for the film which is one of best films I've seen this year. The action is way better than Matrix Reloaded because you don't need to suspend your disbelief that much and it is grisly in a funny way (I'm a sick puppy) to say the least.

I won't give too much of the story away but I will say that it's about The Bride (Uma) who is left for dead and seeks revenge on the people who tried to kill her. She goes about this with "tear-your-arm-off-and-beat-you-to-death-with-the-wet-end" type violence. Oh, hang on, that IS the story.

I suppose it's not a typical Quentin Tarantino film because it is action driven but the threads of a much deeper story are dangled in front of us and it has a very "soap opera" ending. I hope we will see a lot more of this in Volume Two... along with more swords and yellow jump suits.

Maffy says "See it... SEE IT NOW!"

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?

Yes... I know, I know. It's yet another daft test for you to waste 30 seconds on. But this one made me laugh and I like my result. Have fun.


Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

Must kill, ha ha, ha ha! Death! Playground antics! Cake and cheese! Yes! you're an Insane ninja child!

The blast must have hit you particularly strong, because you've gained a billion new superpowers and can take on anyone you want. Even that kid Gunrock-with-nine-arms from down the street. Only problem is, it's driven you completely insane and you now have a thirst for blood equalled only by your thirst for vengeance and peeing in the kitchen bin.

No, stop! That's what the toilet's for. Stop I say!

And still the Dark Tower beckons

I've finished the second of The Dark Tower books by Stephen King. It's even better than the first one. I had trouble reading this volume when I was a nipper and lost interest very quickly. This time, however, I absolutely devoured it. Stephen King is a great story teller and it's dead easy to read.

Roland, the last gunslinger, is mortally wounded on an endless beach on a dying world. He discovers a portal to another world which is the first of three doors that lead into the minds of people from this world. The Three will ultimately help him on his quest for the Dark Tower - The Prisoner, The Lady of Shadows and The Pusher.

I'm starting the third volume, The Waste Lands. The back cover reads:

"THIS IS THE PATH OF THE BEAM, THE WAY OF THE TOWER, AND THE TIME OF YOUR DRAWING. BE TRUE; STAND; COME TO ME."

Through time and waste and divided dreams, the last of the gunslingers turn their faces to the Turtle and travel the path of the Beam. And come, when Eddie unlocks the key from the branch and Roland gives the promise he may not keep, to the Drawing of Jake, the undead boy who is one of many who are one... Bound together in thought and treachery, pursued by the Ageless Stranger, they face the perils of Lud and the Tick-Tock Man to reach the Cradle of Blaine the Mono, who is truth and danger and will ransom their lives for a riddle.

And still the Dark Tower beckons, where death lies in the heart of the rose...

huh...?

You will spend hours here and you will end up laughing and drooling like a three-year-old.

[found by mister dog]

Ninjai

This is Ninjai: The Little Ninja. This is an absolutely beautiful flash animation and the best I have seen yet. A lot of time, effort and talent has gone into this. Absolutely breathtaking. And it's got blood, swords, dismemberment and some top quoteables.

Edit: I just got to chapter 8... It's really sad. I'm filling up

Edit: I just finished watching all the chapters so far. If this doesn't get turned into a feature film or a tv show at the least, someone ought to have a word. It's that damn good. And I am amazed that it's all done in Flash 5.0

Hangovers are great. I keep finding cool interwebbery! I shouldn't really have a hangover. I went to a mates house to get sofa'd and watch DVDs and stuff and ended up having tres grandeness in town. I haven't drunk for six weeks so I went a bit mad and I'm suffering from a touch of memory loss... Anyway, on the the salty goodness of the intermaweb...

:: It's a dot. It farts. Pure genius.

:: Squish the human... Squash her! Squash her HARD!!! This one reminds me of Daley Thompson and Hypersports on the old Speccy for some reason.

:: Police Squad! In Color! Surely the best series ever! - Yes, but don't call me Shirley!

:: Perhaps one of the most interseting words in the English language today is the word fuck. This one made me laugh a lot.

:: This is Neurotically Yours. The adventures of a goth chick and her squirrel. Foamy's Rant is inspired.

Half Life 2 will not be out until April 2004 according to this report on CNN Money.

But Valve's position, as usual, is different to Vivendi's and the delay in replying to the delay is delayed...

This is Modern Living. Very VERY strange art but I really like it.

What Is Your Battlecry

Find the last words your enemies hear before you go truely medieval on them. As my current Diablo II character, the barbarian Boros, my battlecry is...

Zang! Who is that, rampaging out of the cliffs! It is Boros, hands clutching buzzsaw hand extensions! And with a cruel roar, his voice cometh:

"I'm going to beat you so hard, your momma won't recognize you!!!"

Paintball Hurts

Oh yes. It does! About twenty of my colleagues from work and I went to Action Paintball at Hurn yesterday and had a right laugh!

We started at 9:30am and played until 3:00pm. The games were really cool. There was Defend the Fort, Capture the Flag, Speedball and Checkpoint Charlie. These were all well organized with definite objectives. I didn't get hit too often and when I did it was in the face so my mask took the worst of it. In one game, we were desperately losing and I made a glory run for the objective and got shot up a treat! Again, not too bad. Three or four hits to my chest.

It did degenerate somewhat at about 2:00pm. The four guys who organized it from work were designated as prisoners. We started back to the 'base' and they did over the guards and legged it into nearby woods. About sixteen of us stormed in there and had to capture them. I got in there first and shot up two of them including my boss. (YES!). After a couple of minutes we had the prisoners but we didn't realize it and were still searching. We were all in a clearing and it degenerated a bit. For some reason, I started randomly shooting people. Not mental like, I hid behind people and popped of a few rounds. Then, Ivan lost his footing and fell over... one round straight in the arse! So of course he fired back. I dodged it and Richard who was stood behind me took one right in the gonads! Oucheee!

We lined up the prisoners and we did a firing squad! Hehe! The four prisoners consisted of two managers... They were blindfolded and the other two joined us. They were shot up a treat! Completely covered head to foot in yellow paint! To quote Karl, my boss, "That was unfunny!" Not from where I stood...

Last game was a free-for-all to use up the last of the ammo. Everyone legged it into a field and when the whistle blow, start shooting! Safe to say I got most of my bruises from this. I've counted them, 13 to my chest, 5 on my left leg, 4 on the right, 4 on the left arm, 3 on the right, 8 on the back, 1 on the left hand and an absolute doozey to the back of my head with a lump so big that feels like I'm growing another head. With this lot are the 3 times I took shots to the face, I make that 39 bruises and 42 hits in all.

So with all those bruises, why did I do it? I did it because it was on the company and it was great fun. A great way to completely knacker yourself.

Hurricane Matthew

Yay! I get a hurricane named after me in 2004! I was going to say "I wonder if I'll make lots of Americans homeless?" but I won't because that's evil and politically incorrect. Australia's got me on their list too.

Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon… and then Gallifrey?

Tenuous reference to Eddie Izzard in the last post and then I hear the he's been confirmed as the new Doctor Who! Looks like it's not concrete yet but it's on the BBC website so you never know...

My Cat Hates You

We all know that kittens rule. They are the greatest. Rate My Kitten is one of the best websites for images of kittens and cats. There are some absolute classics there.

We also know that cats have a hidden agenda. Behind all the purrs, whiskers and cuteness is an untamed beast of unimaginable evilness and cunning. Watch out for the purring especially. When you're not looking, they're drilling. They purr to disguise the noise. Trust me, if your cat is purring behind the sofa.... </izzard>

To get to the point, there is a website devoted to the dark side of your cute little feline bundles of joy. My Cat Hates You is full of images and stories of absolute horror and mayhem involving cats. When your cat's mask slips, you'll be familiar with what's here. One example in "The Litterbox" made me laugh. I quote,

My cat came running into the library at full steam the other day, stopped dead in his tracks, shat on the carpet, and then took off again. Intrigued, I followed him around, watching him as he scooted his ass along the floor, leaving a shit-smear trail behind him as he went. Can you tell me what this means?

Remember kids, cats are cute but cats are also EVIL!