The video to Pink Floyd's The Wall gave me nightmares... for YEARS! If I see it now, it still sends shivers down my spine.
Imagine my horror when I was trawling the interweb and I found this!
WAAAAAH!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Sunday, December 28, 2003
My Preciousss
(Possible Spoilers)
My last post reminded me that I haven't commented on The Return Of The King which I saw before Christmas. What a film! Someone asked me which was my favorite. I don't think you pick one because, like the books, they are one piece of work and each is that much better when you consider the whole trilogy.
Peter Jackson must have seen the books like I did because the films are so close to how I imagined the characters and the locations. I think the casting is one the best things about the films. Each actor seems to be made for the character. Could you imagine Mel Gibson as Aragorn or Julia Roberts as Galadriel? No, me either. My favorite bit of casting is definitely Christopher Lee as Saruman. He is just so bloody EVIL!
My favorite character in the films is Gollum despite the fact that he is purely CGI (remember J*r-J*r B*nks?). He is so tragic and, if you haven't read the books, this third film explains a lot. His monologues where he is Sméagol and Gollum are great. His best line from the films is from The Two Towers.
"Master... master looks after us... Master wouldn't hurt us.
Master broke his promise!
Don't ask Smeagol! Poor, poor Smeagol...
Massster betrayed us! Wicked! Tricksy! False! We ought to wring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! Then we take the precious, then we be the master!
But, the fat hobbit... he knows! He's always watching!
Then we stabs them out! Put out his eyeses and make him crawl!
Yes!
Kill them both!
Yes! No! No, too risky! It's too risky!
We could let... her do it. Yesss... she could do it. Yess, precious, she could. Then we takes it once they're dead. Once they're dead..."
There is also Shelob... ARRRGH! She is a massive spider that live in the cave Frodo, Sam and Gollum use to get to Mordor. I was having real trouble watching that. She is based on New Zealand Black Tunnelweb Spider. There is one scene where Frodo is walking along and you can see that the Shelob is stalking him. The fact that she was TOTALLY silent while creeping up on him is straight out of my worst nightmares!
I'm not going to talk about the story. Just go and see the film... NOW!
I saw a funny quote from Quentin Tarantino in Empire magazine. "This CGI bullshit is the death knell of cinema. If I'd wanted that computer game bullshit, I'd have stuck my dick in a Nintendo." I understand where he is coming from but with films like The Lord Of The Rings (hopeless optimist here?), the death rattle is going to be awfully long.
::Links
TheOneRing.net
Official Site
My last post reminded me that I haven't commented on The Return Of The King which I saw before Christmas. What a film! Someone asked me which was my favorite. I don't think you pick one because, like the books, they are one piece of work and each is that much better when you consider the whole trilogy.
Peter Jackson must have seen the books like I did because the films are so close to how I imagined the characters and the locations. I think the casting is one the best things about the films. Each actor seems to be made for the character. Could you imagine Mel Gibson as Aragorn or Julia Roberts as Galadriel? No, me either. My favorite bit of casting is definitely Christopher Lee as Saruman. He is just so bloody EVIL!
My favorite character in the films is Gollum despite the fact that he is purely CGI (remember J*r-J*r B*nks?). He is so tragic and, if you haven't read the books, this third film explains a lot. His monologues where he is Sméagol and Gollum are great. His best line from the films is from The Two Towers.
"Master... master looks after us... Master wouldn't hurt us.
Master broke his promise!
Don't ask Smeagol! Poor, poor Smeagol...
Massster betrayed us! Wicked! Tricksy! False! We ought to wring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! Then we take the precious, then we be the master!
But, the fat hobbit... he knows! He's always watching!
Then we stabs them out! Put out his eyeses and make him crawl!
Yes!
Kill them both!
Yes! No! No, too risky! It's too risky!
We could let... her do it. Yesss... she could do it. Yess, precious, she could. Then we takes it once they're dead. Once they're dead..."
There is also Shelob... ARRRGH! She is a massive spider that live in the cave Frodo, Sam and Gollum use to get to Mordor. I was having real trouble watching that. She is based on New Zealand Black Tunnelweb Spider. There is one scene where Frodo is walking along and you can see that the Shelob is stalking him. The fact that she was TOTALLY silent while creeping up on him is straight out of my worst nightmares!
I'm not going to talk about the story. Just go and see the film... NOW!
I saw a funny quote from Quentin Tarantino in Empire magazine. "This CGI bullshit is the death knell of cinema. If I'd wanted that computer game bullshit, I'd have stuck my dick in a Nintendo." I understand where he is coming from but with films like The Lord Of The Rings (hopeless optimist here?), the death rattle is going to be awfully long.
::Links
TheOneRing.net
Official Site
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Cabin Fever
Christmas is done and it was a good one this year. From my point of views there were no alarms and no surprises and Mum cooked the best Christmas dinner ever and I got some nice presents too.
Just saw The Office Christmas Specials and I watched a lot of it from behind my hands and curled up in a fetal position. This is my natural reaction when I feel embarrassed for someone on the TV. One quotation that sums it up is "Can we stop talking about my dead mother's breasts please..." I was halfway between groaning and laughing myself hoarse which is peculiar because you end up feeling the same way you do when you see a car crash, you know it's wrong but you can't help but look. It's such a strange thing to watch. Like a lot of people I recognise people I work with and, more scarily sometimes, myself. It is bloody good.
I am also getting a bit of cabin fever. I have a (bad?) habit of sealing myself off from the outside world and staying in my cave for a while. Apart from the phone, I haven't seen anyone since five o'clock yesterday. I can't help but feel that it is a little weird of me but I can disappear off the face of the planet for a couple of days when I emerge I pretty much always feel better. In my opinion, it's one of the perks of not living with anyone and being single but it helps if you are comfortable with your own company and a lot of people aren't. I haven't really done anything constructive. I have nearly finished Wizard and Glass by Stephen King from only being halfway through it. The flat and the car are both very clean. Played a bit of Warcraft 3. Used my Amazon vouchers. Watched The Two Towers.
And try Mead. It's made out of honey and is allegedly the oldest booze in the world. I got some Lindisfarne Mead for Christmas from my Aunty Annabel who lives on a tiny Scottish island. It's really sweet and really... well... honey-ey. Can't tell if I like it or not but it's nice to know what it tastes like after quaffing many a flagon while playing Goblins and Pixies back in the old days. Oh, and Goblins and Pixies is what my sister Amy calls role playing games. That's REAL role playing games with dice and paper and imagination, not this new fangled computer RPG stuff. Heh... I feel really beardy and geeky now...
That is all...
Just saw The Office Christmas Specials and I watched a lot of it from behind my hands and curled up in a fetal position. This is my natural reaction when I feel embarrassed for someone on the TV. One quotation that sums it up is "Can we stop talking about my dead mother's breasts please..." I was halfway between groaning and laughing myself hoarse which is peculiar because you end up feeling the same way you do when you see a car crash, you know it's wrong but you can't help but look. It's such a strange thing to watch. Like a lot of people I recognise people I work with and, more scarily sometimes, myself. It is bloody good.
I am also getting a bit of cabin fever. I have a (bad?) habit of sealing myself off from the outside world and staying in my cave for a while. Apart from the phone, I haven't seen anyone since five o'clock yesterday. I can't help but feel that it is a little weird of me but I can disappear off the face of the planet for a couple of days when I emerge I pretty much always feel better. In my opinion, it's one of the perks of not living with anyone and being single but it helps if you are comfortable with your own company and a lot of people aren't. I haven't really done anything constructive. I have nearly finished Wizard and Glass by Stephen King from only being halfway through it. The flat and the car are both very clean. Played a bit of Warcraft 3. Used my Amazon vouchers. Watched The Two Towers.
And try Mead. It's made out of honey and is allegedly the oldest booze in the world. I got some Lindisfarne Mead for Christmas from my Aunty Annabel who lives on a tiny Scottish island. It's really sweet and really... well... honey-ey. Can't tell if I like it or not but it's nice to know what it tastes like after quaffing many a flagon while playing Goblins and Pixies back in the old days. Oh, and Goblins and Pixies is what my sister Amy calls role playing games. That's REAL role playing games with dice and paper and imagination, not this new fangled computer RPG stuff. Heh... I feel really beardy and geeky now...
That is all...
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
::This is an amazing video (~1.5 Mb) of a 500,000 volt switch failing to interrupt the arc when operating. Sounds boring but you should see it! If you want to get geeky, some technical details are here.
::Fight Club Rule Number Two: Don't join if you've got a Glass jaw (~3.2 Mb)
[do right click -> save target as]
::Fight Club Rule Number Two: Don't join if you've got a Glass jaw (~3.2 Mb)
[do right click -> save target as]
The Physics of Santa and His Reindeer
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000/3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
[Originally published in Spy magazine in 1990]
Maffy's conclusion : You can't explain Santa using physics because the Tooth Fairy told me.
There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000/3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
[Originally published in Spy magazine in 1990]
Maffy's conclusion : You can't explain Santa using physics because the Tooth Fairy told me.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Satan Claus
We all know that Chrstmas celebrates the birth of Jesus (well... most of us do...) What fewer of us realise is that Christmas, like many holidays, has it's roots set firmly in Pagan tradition as well as Christianity.
According to this article, modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans.
According to this article, modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans.
>>>NEWSFLASH<<<
This just in..... Canada to ban Dwarf Tossing!
There is a $5,000 fine and 6 months in jail if you are caught. What can the Canadian government be thinking? This new law can only send such a popular sport like this underground. Think of it... no healthcare or insurance. What if someone strains a shoulder or a wrist when tossing.
In a statement, the Governor of Ontario said he was satisfied "the ban on dwarf-tossing was not abusive but necessary in order to protect public order, including considerations of human dignity." But this reporter feels that we will see a flood of tossers hitting the dole queues soon and the fabric of the nation of Canada will start falling apart at the seams.
The Dwarves involved have stated that they are not worried about the ban. Expect to see "Snow White" a lot during up-coming panto season.
There is a $5,000 fine and 6 months in jail if you are caught. What can the Canadian government be thinking? This new law can only send such a popular sport like this underground. Think of it... no healthcare or insurance. What if someone strains a shoulder or a wrist when tossing.
In a statement, the Governor of Ontario said he was satisfied "the ban on dwarf-tossing was not abusive but necessary in order to protect public order, including considerations of human dignity." But this reporter feels that we will see a flood of tossers hitting the dole queues soon and the fabric of the nation of Canada will start falling apart at the seams.
The Dwarves involved have stated that they are not worried about the ban. Expect to see "Snow White" a lot during up-coming panto season.
Metallica
Just got back from seeing Metallica at Earls Court with Andy and in the words of the lead singer of Godsmack, "forget what you've heard before this, Metallica are the f*cking kings of metal." I think fantastic just about sums it up.
We got the whole range from anthemic rock tunes like "Nothing Else Matters" to brutal speed metal like "Fight Fire With Fire" and I am told by Andy is the first time they have played the latter for ages. "Creeping Death", "Seek and Destroy" and "Master of Puppets" were truly amazing.
James was on top form whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Kirk and Lars didn't put a foot wrong as usual and Rob is just Rob but it doesn't feel like he's part of the whole thing yet. I'm not the purist Metallica fan that he is. I know what I like and I like what I hear with Metallica although my Metallica collection seems to be slowly filling up with their back catalogue.
It was an absolutely spectacular performance but it wasn't quite right and it's not because of Metallica. When we came out we weren't sweating like pigs, covered in bruises and our ears weren't ringing. That's right, we were stuck in the seats. I definitely feel like I have witnessed an awesome event but I don't feel like I was part of an awesome event. Strange experience.
At the end of the gig, they announced that they are playing the Download Festival at Donnington in the summer. See you there.
There is also a Metallica biography out in April 2004.
We got the whole range from anthemic rock tunes like "Nothing Else Matters" to brutal speed metal like "Fight Fire With Fire" and I am told by Andy is the first time they have played the latter for ages. "Creeping Death", "Seek and Destroy" and "Master of Puppets" were truly amazing.
James was on top form whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Kirk and Lars didn't put a foot wrong as usual and Rob is just Rob but it doesn't feel like he's part of the whole thing yet. I'm not the purist Metallica fan that he is. I know what I like and I like what I hear with Metallica although my Metallica collection seems to be slowly filling up with their back catalogue.
It was an absolutely spectacular performance but it wasn't quite right and it's not because of Metallica. When we came out we weren't sweating like pigs, covered in bruises and our ears weren't ringing. That's right, we were stuck in the seats. I definitely feel like I have witnessed an awesome event but I don't feel like I was part of an awesome event. Strange experience.
At the end of the gig, they announced that they are playing the Download Festival at Donnington in the summer. See you there.
There is also a Metallica biography out in April 2004.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Friday, December 19, 2003
RIAA vs. The Interweb
I've been keeping an eye on the whole "RIAA vs. Interweb" debacle. It seems that the record companies are indeed losing according to the following article from Downhill Battle.
"THIS COULD BE ENDGAME. A federal appeals court has just ruled that the RIAA can't force internet service providers to turn over the names of suspected filesharers (p2pnet article). And if the RIAA can't get the names, they can't file suits.
Unfortunately, there are hundreds of people who have already fallen victim to these illegal subpoenas. They've had to pay thousands of dollars each to settle suits or to avoid having a suit filed against them. Downhill Battle is starting a campaign today to demand that the major record labels return all of the money that they have extorted from families and individuals.
UPDATE: We have just issued a press release calling for the RIAA to return all settlement money. Read the release (pdf). "
It's an odd situation because in my eyes because both sides appear to be wrong.
Illegal peer-to-peer file sharing of music is... erm... illegal. It infringes copyright laws all over the planet which allegedly "affects earnings and jeopardises future releases" according to the record industry.
On the other side of the coin, who wants to buy product off multi-national mega corporations who sue families and marginalise independent music? Not me! I don't want to end up listening to Celine "The Horse" Dion, Britney "Nice-videos-when-on-mute" Spears and West "Talentless-Irish-feckers" Life for the rest of time.
EDIT- I just Googled "RIAA". Seems that Google is not without a sense of humour (check the ads on the left.) I chuckled. And the Interweb is now full of this story!
"THIS COULD BE ENDGAME. A federal appeals court has just ruled that the RIAA can't force internet service providers to turn over the names of suspected filesharers (p2pnet article). And if the RIAA can't get the names, they can't file suits.
Unfortunately, there are hundreds of people who have already fallen victim to these illegal subpoenas. They've had to pay thousands of dollars each to settle suits or to avoid having a suit filed against them. Downhill Battle is starting a campaign today to demand that the major record labels return all of the money that they have extorted from families and individuals.
UPDATE: We have just issued a press release calling for the RIAA to return all settlement money. Read the release (pdf). "
It's an odd situation because in my eyes because both sides appear to be wrong.
Illegal peer-to-peer file sharing of music is... erm... illegal. It infringes copyright laws all over the planet which allegedly "affects earnings and jeopardises future releases" according to the record industry.
On the other side of the coin, who wants to buy product off multi-national mega corporations who sue families and marginalise independent music? Not me! I don't want to end up listening to Celine "The Horse" Dion, Britney "Nice-videos-when-on-mute" Spears and West "Talentless-Irish-feckers" Life for the rest of time.
EDIT- I just Googled "RIAA". Seems that Google is not without a sense of humour (check the ads on the left.) I chuckled. And the Interweb is now full of this story!
Room 101
Work is getting slack as we get closer to Christmas so we've had a little fun. Everyone in my team at work has submitted 5 things to be put in Room 101. For those that don't know, Room 101 is from 1984 by George Orwell and it is a torture room that contains "the worst thing in the world".
You might also remember the TV show where celebrities chose 5 things to go into the room and the over-smug Nick Hancock chose whether or not it should go in. That is what we have done. There are a few more to come but this is the story so far.
Just a little warning, some may be just a tad... rude :)
::Karl
::Corn
Absolute and utter waste of time effort and calories. Don't tell me it tastes nice -just invent corn flavoured chewing gum. On top of that it makes your crap look like a picnic (which is more appealing than CORN!), so Corn basically makes sh*t look good. It's got to go
::Comb over hair
Wake up - you are going bald. We don't believe you have a full head of hair, you don't believe you have hair, the barber only pretends you have hair cos you are paying him - no-one f*cking believes it and you look stupid. Even ugly fat people take the piss out of you. When you go swimming it looks like you have your own personal oil slick following you and the longer it is the more daft you look. Even Sir Bobby Charlton stopped doing it, if its good enough for one of our peers... you are not better than a knight of the realm.
::Caravans
Remember Pikeys do not want to do this - it's cos its their way of life and they want to move to different places to go thieving. Caravans shouldn't be allowed on the road at the same time as humans. Bobbing along "roads aren't that busy this bank holiday" - NO MATE - COS ALL THE BLOODY TRAFFIC IS BEING HELD UP BY YOU!!!!!. What is appealing about being hated by all other road -users (including women drivers cos you are slowing them down too), pissing (and the other) in a bucket - which you have to empty, and playing board games and agreeing that isn't it nice hearing the rain on the roof. You should have your own dedicated time for travelling which is between 1:30am and 2:30am. During all other times you should pull up and leave us alone.
::Dog Pooh
And owners who do not think it's their job to pick it up cost the dog did it - Right. Disgusting smell, hacks you off if you stand in it, hacks you off even more if someone walks it into your house. And worst of all - cos I am now a dog walker not only do I have to walk round with a pocket fuller of nappy liners (which makes everybody think I am incontinent) but when I do pick it up -ITS BLOODY WARM!!!!!!
::Twats at check out tills
The ones that have covered every bar code in the basket, the old ones that pay with every bit of copper in their old raggedy purse (including coins that are no longer legal tender), ones that pay with credit cards that will not clear, ones that have 11 items in the maximum 10 items lane, the ones that insist in paying by cheque in the cash-only, women with push-chairs and screaming kids, ones that insist in changing the carton of milk cos it's leaking and you can never get that spotty kid quick enough to change the sodding thing (YOU PICKED IT), ones that insist the kids eat some of the grapes and then pay by weight, ones that know you should have weighed it yourself (you lazy shits), ones that have gone shopping late especially so they can stand and wait for the shop to mark down the bread, the ones that have come straight from an all day sesh for a cold pastie and insist on being your mate and lastly the ones who arrogantly put the dividers next to your one packet of mints - do they really think you want to pay for their stuff. Sod off the lot of you...internet shopping rules - or would this take some of the social interaction out of our lives...Mmmmmmmmm let me think.
::Lee
::Beggars outside bars or clubs
They've got the cheek to ask you for change when the spawny little bastards are wearing designer clothes and trainers
::Going down on a women after they've been out
It stinks and you cant get the taste out of your mouth for days, but you still bloody do it.
::In-laws
Because their darling little daughter cant do no wrong, but what ever you do its never good enough.
::Twats at a footy match
Irritating little twats behind you that call players by their first names and seem to know what they had for breakfast.
::Dickhead Liverpool fans
The manager always has an excuse and Liverpool fans still seem to think Owen is the dogs bollocks they seem to forget world cup 98 was 5 years ago, or was it 2 years.
::Bethany
::People that pay for shopping with vouchers and cash when there is a long queue
Always in Sainsbury's, always an old person and always when you only have 10 minutes to get back to work.
::Food stuck on peoples faces after they have eaten
Makes me sick and is why I cannot eat bananas, scary childhood memory and am scarred for life.
::Boy Racers
States you will be a wanker for life no matter what
::People who wear sunglasses indoors whatever the weather
Again, wanker!
::'We will wait and see'
That bloody saying that all parents use at least 20 billion times a year to their kids. It is a crap way of saying piss off. Again bad childhood memories and no I don't want to talk about it.
::Jasmin
::Vanessa Feltz
A beast...and has anyone told her that pink is not a good colour when you're 30 stone? The word pig comes to mind.
::Over-priced hotel bars
Fleeced for £32 when there's a free bar downstairs.
::Yorkshire Terriers
Especially when their owners tie red ribbon onto a tuft of fur on top of their heads. Pathetic, yapping excuses for dogs. Which leads to...
::Stepping in dog crap
I can recall many occasions of skidding a few inches across pavements/grass and then attempting to scrape crap off with a leaf or bus ticket only to end up with pooey knuckles.
::Pigeons
For the same reason as above but for having crap in my hair and trying to remove with bus ticket. By the way, who said that it's supposed to be good luck?
::Matt (me)
::Spiders
They do not fit into the ecosystem properly. A genetic memory of Ancient Evil Arachnid Overlords from Mars means that half the planet is scared of them, me being one of them. The other half was genetically modified through the anus by them and aren't normal. Have you ever seen the Trapdoor ones? NOT RIGHT!
::The Footballing Franchise formerly known as Wimbledon FC
Please hurry up and DIE! Those arse-bitches involved who killed my club, introduced franchising to English Football, and made them more hated than Manchester Utd are... Sam Hamman - Sold Plough Lane and f*cked off to Cardiff with the proceeds, C*NT! Charles Koppel and some Norwegian twunts - Proposed the move the Milton Keynes and f*cked off. C*NTS! The Football Association - Crusty old f*ckwits. Allowed the move to take place and were sucked in by Koppel while the fans could see through the blatant lies and spin, should f*ck off - C*NTS! Peter Winkelman - Music industry spastic trying to make a quick buck out of the club but got stung by the fact that nobody in Milton Keynes or the rest of the country actually gives a f*ck and will probably f*ck off soon - C*NT!
::McDonalds
Evil American junk food pushers who want us all to be 30 stone and dead by 45 of heart failure. Everything I have ever eaten from there goes through me like a twelve lane motorway.
::Intentional Bad Spelling and Grammar Atrocities.
Mobile phone text messages and instant messaging in general are the main culprits encouraging this. If you use it, it makes you look retarded.
::Celine Dion
Talentless screeching Canadian dog. I will be buying one of her CDs and slicing her tongue out. Then she won't be able to inflict any of her whiny pathetic love songs on us again.
You might also remember the TV show where celebrities chose 5 things to go into the room and the over-smug Nick Hancock chose whether or not it should go in. That is what we have done. There are a few more to come but this is the story so far.
Just a little warning, some may be just a tad... rude :)
::Karl
::Corn
Absolute and utter waste of time effort and calories. Don't tell me it tastes nice -just invent corn flavoured chewing gum. On top of that it makes your crap look like a picnic (which is more appealing than CORN!), so Corn basically makes sh*t look good. It's got to go
::Comb over hair
Wake up - you are going bald. We don't believe you have a full head of hair, you don't believe you have hair, the barber only pretends you have hair cos you are paying him - no-one f*cking believes it and you look stupid. Even ugly fat people take the piss out of you. When you go swimming it looks like you have your own personal oil slick following you and the longer it is the more daft you look. Even Sir Bobby Charlton stopped doing it, if its good enough for one of our peers... you are not better than a knight of the realm.
::Caravans
Remember Pikeys do not want to do this - it's cos its their way of life and they want to move to different places to go thieving. Caravans shouldn't be allowed on the road at the same time as humans. Bobbing along "roads aren't that busy this bank holiday" - NO MATE - COS ALL THE BLOODY TRAFFIC IS BEING HELD UP BY YOU!!!!!. What is appealing about being hated by all other road -users (including women drivers cos you are slowing them down too), pissing (and the other) in a bucket - which you have to empty, and playing board games and agreeing that isn't it nice hearing the rain on the roof. You should have your own dedicated time for travelling which is between 1:30am and 2:30am. During all other times you should pull up and leave us alone.
::Dog Pooh
And owners who do not think it's their job to pick it up cost the dog did it - Right. Disgusting smell, hacks you off if you stand in it, hacks you off even more if someone walks it into your house. And worst of all - cos I am now a dog walker not only do I have to walk round with a pocket fuller of nappy liners (which makes everybody think I am incontinent) but when I do pick it up -ITS BLOODY WARM!!!!!!
::Twats at check out tills
The ones that have covered every bar code in the basket, the old ones that pay with every bit of copper in their old raggedy purse (including coins that are no longer legal tender), ones that pay with credit cards that will not clear, ones that have 11 items in the maximum 10 items lane, the ones that insist in paying by cheque in the cash-only, women with push-chairs and screaming kids, ones that insist in changing the carton of milk cos it's leaking and you can never get that spotty kid quick enough to change the sodding thing (YOU PICKED IT), ones that insist the kids eat some of the grapes and then pay by weight, ones that know you should have weighed it yourself (you lazy shits), ones that have gone shopping late especially so they can stand and wait for the shop to mark down the bread, the ones that have come straight from an all day sesh for a cold pastie and insist on being your mate and lastly the ones who arrogantly put the dividers next to your one packet of mints - do they really think you want to pay for their stuff. Sod off the lot of you...internet shopping rules - or would this take some of the social interaction out of our lives...Mmmmmmmmm let me think.
::Lee
::Beggars outside bars or clubs
They've got the cheek to ask you for change when the spawny little bastards are wearing designer clothes and trainers
::Going down on a women after they've been out
It stinks and you cant get the taste out of your mouth for days, but you still bloody do it.
::In-laws
Because their darling little daughter cant do no wrong, but what ever you do its never good enough.
::Twats at a footy match
Irritating little twats behind you that call players by their first names and seem to know what they had for breakfast.
::Dickhead Liverpool fans
The manager always has an excuse and Liverpool fans still seem to think Owen is the dogs bollocks they seem to forget world cup 98 was 5 years ago, or was it 2 years.
::Bethany
::People that pay for shopping with vouchers and cash when there is a long queue
Always in Sainsbury's, always an old person and always when you only have 10 minutes to get back to work.
::Food stuck on peoples faces after they have eaten
Makes me sick and is why I cannot eat bananas, scary childhood memory and am scarred for life.
::Boy Racers
States you will be a wanker for life no matter what
::People who wear sunglasses indoors whatever the weather
Again, wanker!
::'We will wait and see'
That bloody saying that all parents use at least 20 billion times a year to their kids. It is a crap way of saying piss off. Again bad childhood memories and no I don't want to talk about it.
::Jasmin
::Vanessa Feltz
A beast...and has anyone told her that pink is not a good colour when you're 30 stone? The word pig comes to mind.
::Over-priced hotel bars
Fleeced for £32 when there's a free bar downstairs.
::Yorkshire Terriers
Especially when their owners tie red ribbon onto a tuft of fur on top of their heads. Pathetic, yapping excuses for dogs. Which leads to...
::Stepping in dog crap
I can recall many occasions of skidding a few inches across pavements/grass and then attempting to scrape crap off with a leaf or bus ticket only to end up with pooey knuckles.
::Pigeons
For the same reason as above but for having crap in my hair and trying to remove with bus ticket. By the way, who said that it's supposed to be good luck?
::Matt (me)
::Spiders
They do not fit into the ecosystem properly. A genetic memory of Ancient Evil Arachnid Overlords from Mars means that half the planet is scared of them, me being one of them. The other half was genetically modified through the anus by them and aren't normal. Have you ever seen the Trapdoor ones? NOT RIGHT!
::The Footballing Franchise formerly known as Wimbledon FC
Please hurry up and DIE! Those arse-bitches involved who killed my club, introduced franchising to English Football, and made them more hated than Manchester Utd are... Sam Hamman - Sold Plough Lane and f*cked off to Cardiff with the proceeds, C*NT! Charles Koppel and some Norwegian twunts - Proposed the move the Milton Keynes and f*cked off. C*NTS! The Football Association - Crusty old f*ckwits. Allowed the move to take place and were sucked in by Koppel while the fans could see through the blatant lies and spin, should f*ck off - C*NTS! Peter Winkelman - Music industry spastic trying to make a quick buck out of the club but got stung by the fact that nobody in Milton Keynes or the rest of the country actually gives a f*ck and will probably f*ck off soon - C*NT!
::McDonalds
Evil American junk food pushers who want us all to be 30 stone and dead by 45 of heart failure. Everything I have ever eaten from there goes through me like a twelve lane motorway.
::Intentional Bad Spelling and Grammar Atrocities.
Mobile phone text messages and instant messaging in general are the main culprits encouraging this. If you use it, it makes you look retarded.
::Celine Dion
Talentless screeching Canadian dog. I will be buying one of her CDs and slicing her tongue out. Then she won't be able to inflict any of her whiny pathetic love songs on us again.
Share my pain
GOLD (gold)
Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructible
Always believe in...
(Stuck in your head too? Gooooood...)
Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructible
Always believe in...
(Stuck in your head too? Gooooood...)
Monday, December 15, 2003
History stuff that happened today
Yay for the interweb. Here are things that happenned on my birthday-
- 1230 - Ottokar I king of Bohemia, died.
1890 - Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police.
1939 - The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.
1944 - Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel.
1961 - Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps.
1964 - Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.
1966 - Walt Disney died in Los Angeles.
1997 - Lillian Disney widow of Walt Disney, died.
Other People's Birthdays
Other people who I share my birthday with are-
- Nero Claudius Augustus Germanicus 5th emperor of Rome and complete nutter was born today in 37 AD.
- Actress Helen Slater (SuperGirl) is 40.
- Movie director Reginald Hudlin (House Party.... eep!) is 42.
- Country singer Doug Phelps (Brother Phelps; Kentucky Headhunters... who?) is 43.
- Rock musician Paul Simonon (The Clash... yay!) is 48.
- Movie director Alex Cox (rings a bell somewhere) is 49.
- Actor Don Johnson is 54.
- Rock musician Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge) is 57.
- Rock musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 61.
- Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 64.
- Actor-comedian Tim Conway (who?) is 70.
- Country singer Ernest Ashworth (who?) is 75.
It's My Birthday
I've been on this strange little planet for 31 whole years now. Yay for me! I suppose I should have a crisis or something but I still feel the same as I did when I was 16... everyone else seems to be having the crisis for me.
And thanks for all the pressies everyone.
And thanks for all the pressies everyone.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with
a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little
Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something ... Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick
the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with
a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little
Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something ... Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick
the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Musical Epiphany
I reckon everyone has at least one. Some people have a few and some have many.
My first musical epiphany was "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam. I was going to say "Alive" but it was "Even Flow" that really woke me up and opened the door to many other top tunes. It's a great piece of grunge that has fine lyrics and a tune that is only just this side of uplifting and it made a lot of sense to me as an ugly and misunderstood teenager. Ten was also the first album I bought. The first single I bought was "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles (I think) but I only got that becasue I fancied Susanna Hoffs, the lead singer. No epiphany there I'm (not) sorry to say.
An interesting one for me is "Come Back Brighter" by Reef. With hindsight, it's not the best tune by a LONG way but it came out at exactly the right time in my life and caused a 'moment of clarity' that got me through some bad shit. It's often the timing and not the quality if you get my drift.
My most recent epiphany is "Harmonic Generator" by The Datsuns. First heard it at the Reading Festival this year and it's energy blew me away and it's still firmly entrenched in the stereo.
So, let me know what yours are.
[imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and this idea is mercilessly copied from a visitor.]
My first musical epiphany was "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam. I was going to say "Alive" but it was "Even Flow" that really woke me up and opened the door to many other top tunes. It's a great piece of grunge that has fine lyrics and a tune that is only just this side of uplifting and it made a lot of sense to me as an ugly and misunderstood teenager. Ten was also the first album I bought. The first single I bought was "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles (I think) but I only got that becasue I fancied Susanna Hoffs, the lead singer. No epiphany there I'm (not) sorry to say.
An interesting one for me is "Come Back Brighter" by Reef. With hindsight, it's not the best tune by a LONG way but it came out at exactly the right time in my life and caused a 'moment of clarity' that got me through some bad shit. It's often the timing and not the quality if you get my drift.
My most recent epiphany is "Harmonic Generator" by The Datsuns. First heard it at the Reading Festival this year and it's energy blew me away and it's still firmly entrenched in the stereo.
So, let me know what yours are.
[imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and this idea is mercilessly copied from a visitor.]
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
The Darkness Are The Kings of Rawk!
It is true that they have the unique retro cock-rock "gimmick" going on. It is also true that they have released a genuinely classic album with great rock tunes. BUT... You will never truly understand what The Darkness is all about until you have seen them live. And that is 100% of FACT!
Compared to their set at Reading 2003, it wasn't anywhere near as good. There wasn't the audience participation and I felt at a couple of points that they were just going through the motions. I didn't get as good a vibe but I reckon that has a hell of a lot to do with the audience which had a lot of people who looked well out of place. On the other side of the coin, this is a good thing for The Darkness because as well as confirmed gig goers and festival crustys like me and my mates, they have attracted the main stream fans. It may also have something to do with the fact that I was quite drunk. But, average Darkness is still fantastic.
I did get right down the front and was on the barrier for the last half of the gig and that was awesome. I rarely get starstruck but having the Darkness belt out "Love On The Rocks" from two meters away was cool as fuck and made the experience all the more memorable! It was not conducive to the survival of my eyebrows either because the pyros were rather hot at times...
I don't actually remember what tunes they did, but they finished with their cheese-tastic Christmas single "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bell's End)" and a shower of glitter.
At the end of the gig, Jay was absolutely distraught because he had lost his Soundgarden top. He was in a total panic as he loves that tatty old thing but, of course, Maffy found it and saved the day. I honestly thought he was going to cry with joy when I gave it back to him.
I have seen a couple of interviews since the gig and it seems the The Darkness are being stifled by their record company who want them to tour this album to death and squeeze every last drop out of it. I sincerely hope that they are strong enough to fight this and get on with another album as soon as possible because you can't survive on 10 songs and a couple of B-sides for long. I hope the fact that they are saying this is a positive thing.
Long Live The Darkness!
Compared to their set at Reading 2003, it wasn't anywhere near as good. There wasn't the audience participation and I felt at a couple of points that they were just going through the motions. I didn't get as good a vibe but I reckon that has a hell of a lot to do with the audience which had a lot of people who looked well out of place. On the other side of the coin, this is a good thing for The Darkness because as well as confirmed gig goers and festival crustys like me and my mates, they have attracted the main stream fans. It may also have something to do with the fact that I was quite drunk. But, average Darkness is still fantastic.
I did get right down the front and was on the barrier for the last half of the gig and that was awesome. I rarely get starstruck but having the Darkness belt out "Love On The Rocks" from two meters away was cool as fuck and made the experience all the more memorable! It was not conducive to the survival of my eyebrows either because the pyros were rather hot at times...
I don't actually remember what tunes they did, but they finished with their cheese-tastic Christmas single "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bell's End)" and a shower of glitter.
At the end of the gig, Jay was absolutely distraught because he had lost his Soundgarden top. He was in a total panic as he loves that tatty old thing but, of course, Maffy found it and saved the day. I honestly thought he was going to cry with joy when I gave it back to him.
I have seen a couple of interviews since the gig and it seems the The Darkness are being stifled by their record company who want them to tour this album to death and squeeze every last drop out of it. I sincerely hope that they are strong enough to fight this and get on with another album as soon as possible because you can't survive on 10 songs and a couple of B-sides for long. I hope the fact that they are saying this is a positive thing.
Long Live The Darkness!
My Teeth Itch!
I have Man-flu again. Second time this year and I hadn't had Man-flu for at least two years before that. Curse the lot of you for infecting me!
If you are wondering, Man-flu is just a normal cold made worse through whingeing. Amy invented it.
I am doing my Darkness review right now. Sorry for the delay. I did one on Saturday but I deleted it before I posted it and couldn't be bothered to re-type it.
If you are wondering, Man-flu is just a normal cold made worse through whingeing. Amy invented it.
I am doing my Darkness review right now. Sorry for the delay. I did one on Saturday but I deleted it before I posted it and couldn't be bothered to re-type it.
Friday, December 05, 2003
England's World Cup Qualifier Draw
We are in Group 6. The teams are:
England
Poland
Austria
Wales
Northern Ireland
Azerbaijan
Wow! Three home nations in one group. And Poland.... AGAIN! We seem to be inexorably linked to that nation in football. It's not a bad draw and the only teams that I can see giving us hassle are Poland and maybe Austria.
England
Poland
Austria
Wales
Northern Ireland
Azerbaijan
Wow! Three home nations in one group. And Poland.... AGAIN! We seem to be inexorably linked to that nation in football. It's not a bad draw and the only teams that I can see giving us hassle are Poland and maybe Austria.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Weebl has made a new toon but I can't watch it because I'm at work. BOO! But I'm going to see The Darkness and I'm off home in 5 minutes so I don't care. YAY!
Edit: Just watched it... and WOO for this sort of thing! But there is a warning the comes with it: MAY CONTAIN BADGERS!
Edit: Just watched it... and WOO for this sort of thing! But there is a warning the comes with it: MAY CONTAIN BADGERS!
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
on their Elf Hazard tour at the BIC tomorrow.
I will mostly getting off my face and rocking quite hugely.
I will let you all know how good it was on Friday
if my hangover is not too evil.
That is all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)